30 Days
by BornIn1142
Summary: With Shinji trapped inside Eva Unit-01, Asuka finds that the center of the universe has shifted away from her.
1. Pen Pen

Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion.

* * *

THE FOURTH DAY

Pen Pen

It was the heat that woke her up.

Without opening her eyes, Asuka tried to shift around to get out of the disgusting and hot groove she'd slept herself into, but her bed wasn't wide enough for that. She was drowning in warmth. And she was struck by a vague sense of deja vu, an irritating feeling of recurrence. Among the fractured dreams of battle and familiar faces closing in on her, she seemed to recall this exact scene: waking up from the uncomfortable heat.

Her blanket already laid discarded among candy wrappers and bits of food that she'd dropped and never bothered to pick up, in the small space between her bed and the wall. It was probably covered with dust and all sorts of nasty bacteria by now. Through monstrous effort, she managed to lift up her head and flip over her pillow. The other side didn't seem to be any cooler.

The closer she drifted to full consciousness, the more aware she became of the over-powering stench of sweat, and the way her clothes clung to her skin. And the itching... It was a miracle she'd managed to sleep at all with her whole body itching like that. It was driving her crazy. She twisted her arm around to scratch the small of her back. She scratched her calf, her elbow and her cheek, but stopped when she brought her hand to her head to scratch her scalp and her fingers found the nerve clips still in her hair.

With a sigh, she rolled over and pressed her face into the pillow that smelled of Asuka. She was reminded of why she wore perfume. Some of her hair ended up in her mouth.

It had been a while since she had last taken a shower. Probably a good three or four days; she wasn't exactly sure when it was. She hadn't done much anything in that time, in fact, except sleep. A few bathroom breaks and something like a meal here and there. The thought came to her that she _should_ do something, she _should_ get up, thoroughly wash up and then take her bedsheets and burn them. But the thought disappeared as quickly as it came. She just...

There was no reason for her to get up. None.

She was well on her way to falling asleep again when her hand, hanging over the side of the bed, came into contact with something hard and cold and a little bit sharp. That something then pulled back and pecked at her gently. Laboriously, Asuka finally opened her eyes and turned to look at who had attacked her.

Pen Pen.

The penguin was standing at her bedside, staring right into her face.

"What do _you_ want?"

Pen Pen cocked its head to one side.

The door to Asuka's room was slightly open, even though she distinctly remembered bashing it closed several times until the stupid sliding door finally stayed where it was supposed to. Pen Pen must have pushed it open and slipped in. Out of the blue, Asuka realized that this was the first time one of her flatmates had come into her room, the very first. Japanese people really did respect privacy. Neither Shinji nor Misato had ever tried to come in, not even when the doors were wide open.

Asuka raised her hand and pushed it against the penguin's head lightly.

"Go away."

Pen Pen made no move to go.

"Leave me alone."

Why the hell was she talking to a penguin?

With a snort, Asuka turned her back on Pen Pen. Only she couldn't fall asleep anymore, knowing that it was there and watching her. She kept still for a long time, listening for flippers padding away on the floor but not hearing it. The light seeping in from the edges of the closed curtains was starting to bug her. It seemed to be morning or so, but cloudy. And it was so hot.

When she eventually peeked back over her shoulder, the penguin was still right there, in the exact same spot, staring at her.

"Damn it!"

Asuka rolled back around and reached out her hand, fully intending to give Pen Pen a firm shove to get it to leave. Instead, she found herself slowly patting its feathery crest. Pen Pen made some kind of penguin-noise, a squeak of surprise. Why should it have been surprised?

"We're the only ones here."

It obviously had some measure of intelligence, but Asuka had never been able to tell how smart it really was. And honestly, she usually didn't care very much. But for once, she found herself wondering what it was feeling, and why it had come into her room. Its gaze was inscrutable; one could ascribe pretty much any meaning to it.

"Are you... lonely?"

Pen Pen lifted up its wing and placed it against her hand, as if in greeting. Had Misato trained it to do that? Thinking about it, it did come across as a bit desperate, and expectant somehow. Could a penguin feel loneliness? Asuka had the impression that it liked to keep to itself most of the time. But now, with Misato neglecting it, perhaps it was looking for a bit of companionship.

Giving Pen Pen's head a final pat, Asuka pulled back her hand and pushed herself to her knees, then slowly sat up on her bed. Pen Pen squeaked again while Asuka dispassionately looked over the carnage she'd caused in her room. Broken mugs, ripped paper, clothes lying around everywhere – but no. This wasn't something she wanted to deal with or think about.

Standing up immediately made her head spin as her blood flow adjusted to movement after such a long time, but she appreciated the feeling of air on her skin. She tugged at the collar of her t-shirt to get some wind under it. Her normal morning routine after getting out of bed was to step up to the mirror and look herself over, but right now, she suppressed that instinct with all her might. Instead, on a whim, she bent down and picked Pen Pen up. Its feathers felt pleasantly chilly to the touch.

"What should we do now, huh?"

It seemed like she and the bird looked each other in the eye for an eternity. Eventually, Asuka scowled and looked away. She irreverently marched through the debris on the floor and stepped outside, then forward into the living room. She put the penguin down at the edge of the kitchen corner and wondered what to do. She really had no idea.

After an indeterminable length of time just standing around, her gaze fell on the blinking light on the telephone. Another day, another meaningless message from Misato on the answering machine. Reluctantly, she dragged herself over to the phone. She made a point of rolling her eyes as she pressed the replay button.

"_Hey Asuka, are you there? There's nothing much to report here. Ritsuko called in all the reserve technicians to help with getting Shinji back. She's looking into some old files of hers that might be useful. There's still hope. I don't know when I'll get home. Don't forget to feed Pen Pen!"_

Don't forget to feed Pen Pen.

Beep.

Asuka stood still for a moment. She could hear her breath get caught in her throat, she could hear the blood rushing to her head. Pen Pen's food bowl was on the floor next to his fridge, empty. The penguin was still staring at her.

There were few things she hated more than feeling stupid.

"You just wanted me to give you food, is that it!"

Asuka's knees buckled. Suddenly, she found herself rushing towards Pen Pen and aiming a kick at it. Pen Pen dodged her foot and dived underneath the dinner table. Asuka snarled and pounded her fist into the table so hard that one of the chairs around it was knocked back and fell over with a sharp thump.

"That's all I'm good for, right!"

She whirled around and headed for the refrigerator, the big one, and tore open the door. She grabbed some things at random – a plastic box of cooked rice and an open can of sardines that probably wasn't spoiled – then stomped over to Pen Pen's bowl and dumped everything in it, spilling quite a bit.

"Are you happy now, you stupid fucking bird?"

Pen Pen was cringing under the table between the chair legs, peeking up at her with that same blank, animalistic expression. She wished she could say something genuinely hurtful, to throw the whole thing back in its face somehow – but the fact of the matter was that she was talking to a penguin. This whole situation was retarded. There was nothing she could say that wouldn't twist around to make her look even worse. She felt embarrassed for feeling embarrassed.

With a wild shake of her head, Asuka turned around and half-ran back into her room. She tried to slam the door shut, but the damn sliding door just bounced open again. She had to turn around and close the door behind herself, keeping her eyes closed so she wouldn't have to see Pen Pen waddle over to his bowl as she knew it would.

Immediately afterward, Asuka threw herself back into her bed and hid her face in the pillow.

Why did she even bother with all this?

There was no reason at all for her to get up.

* * *

Notes:

- As you can imagine, this story is (hopefully) going to have 30 chapters. There isn't going to be a real central plot, though there will be a few lines of thought running through several chapters. It's more of a collection of vignettes depicting moments from Asuka's downward spiral. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a story with a similar premise floating around, but I didn't find anything on a cursory search, so feel free to point something like that out to me.  
- The issue with this chapter, I fear, is that it might just be a bit too silly. I think I pulled it off pretty well in practice, but the concept's kind of hard to take seriously. You could also argue that it's a poor choice for the very first chapter, but this is honestly the only way it made sense to me. What do you think?

Next chapter: **Mother 1**.


	2. Mother 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion.

* * *

THE FIFTH DAY

Mother 1

A cup of noodles – that was Asuka's breakfast, lunch and dinner for the day, all at once.

Anyone could make noodles; it was the food of idiots, and that's why it made perfect sense that it was one of two things you could always find in Misato's apartment. Asuka had briefly considered whipping up something a bit more complex and nourishing, but most everything in the fridge was spoiled by then or Japanese crap she didn't know what to do with and she just couldn't be bothered and she wasn't even that hungry in the first place. Once she was faced with that cup, chopsticks in hand, she didn't even feel like eating that.

It was chicken taste, which meant that the packaging she'd thrown into Misato's room had the picture of a chicken on it, and not much else. Just boiling the water had been draining for her. She stirred around some of the noodles in the bowl and rolled a dirty strand of her hair around between her fingers. Her mind wandered. Before she knew it, the noodles were lukewarm and soggy and disgusting. She couldn't imagine forcing herself to eat them.

It took her a good while until she caved in and walked over to the telephone to subject herself to Misato's stupid message.

"_Asuka, it's me. Pick up if you're there. I'm sorry, I don't have any good news."_

"If you don't have anything to say, why do you even call?"

"_I might come home today, but it'll be late. Don't wait up."_

"Oh, don't worry, I won't."

"_And you are feeding Pen Pen, right?"_

Asuka did NOT look over towards the penguin's box. Misato was truly the most irresponsible adult she knew. Why had she even taken in a pet if she couldn't take care of it? Because she was impulsive, that's why. And it was a crappy thing to do on a whim, because once you had something that depended on you, you couldn't just stop coming home so you could sit around and wait in your office all day. It was so unfair to expect Asuka to deal with this!

The phone rang.

Asuka froze, incredulously uncertain about what to do. Should she pick up? Did she want to talk to Misato? No, no, she most definitely didn't, but if it was a choice between listening to another inane message and picking up and giving her a piece of her mind, she preferred the latter. It still took her three more rings to finally make up her mind. The possibility that it might not have been Misato didn't enter into her darkest dream.

The moment she heard the first words, the beginning of a German greeting, her brain went into an overdrive of regret. She missed her chance to smash down the phone right then and there; she was pretty sure the person at the other end heard her sharp intake of breath.

"_Hello? Is someone there?_"

Shit! No really, shit!

Asuka seriously didn't have the energy to play this game right now. It was just too much. But... she didn't exactly have a choice. She just had to keep a stiff upper lip and power through it, as usual.

"Ah, is that you, mother?" asked Asuka, "It's been a long time!"

It had been twenty five days since the last call. But it wasn't as if she was keeping count or anything.

Laughter. "_Too long. I'm sorry, Asuka. I hope you're doing well?_"

"Well? More like fantastic! It's been a great day." It was just past noon. "A great morning. I was out shopping and bought that one really neat dress! I've been waiting for it to be down-priced forever. You should see me in it. I look awesome."

"_You always look awesome. That's the right answer, isn't it?_"

Asuka forced herself to chuckle along with her stepmother.

"_So how are you doing in school?_"

"I don't know why I even bother! I'm so far ahead of everyone. How boring!"

"_Are you eating properly? You know how important a healthy diet is._"

Asuka glanced over to her cup of noodles. "Naturally."

"_Is Major Katsuragi treating you alright?_"

"You know, me and Misato, we're like sisters."

"_And your roommate? Still getting along with him?_"

"Yes."

At this point, Asuka's stepmother paused briefly. Asuka picked up the cue easily enough – it was her turn to ask questions now. There were times when she almost felt as if they had kind of a rapport between them, a synergistic desire to get these silly rituals over with efficiently.

"Sooo, how are things going back home?"

It took a moment longer until Mother answered.

"_With us? Well, we're just fine. Oh, I know you'll want to hear this: we got an award from the city council. It was a civic honor, because our daughter is one of the protectors of the Earth. What do you think about that?_

"Oh wow! That's really interesting!"

"_Isn't it? I think I should congratulate you, shouldn't I? Your father put the plaque up on a wall._"

"Really? That's so cool."

This should have been enough for now. Their typical round of questions was over and done with. Mother could now say her farewells, satisfied at having done her duty as a parent. Another happy ending. They were well into an awkward silence when Asuka realized the conversation wasn't over yet.

"_I heard that a new Angel attacked Tokyo-3. Was that the thirteenth now?_"

Without noticing she was doing it, Asuka took half a step back from the telephone.

"Ahh. Right. I almost forgot! Yes, there was an attack. This one was a bit of trouble, but we still beat it in the end. Say, did Kaji tell you to call me?"

"_Kaji?_"

Asuka swore under her breath. There was genuine surprise in her stepmother's voice, so Kaji probably really had nothing to do with it. But perhaps that was for the best. Asuka hadn't decided for sure whether she wanted Kaji to worry about her or not, but she was leanings towards no. She didn't want him to think she was so weak as to need stupid pep-talks.

"_I haven't heard from Kaji for a few months now. Why?_"

"Never mind about that!"

Could it have been possible that NERV had arranged this? They might have contacted her family and instructed them to call, to prod into why... things had gone like they did against that Angel. Asuka didn't want to admit it, but her record must have looked bad. It would have been natural for her superiors to investigate why she wasn't performing up to the expected standard; they would have been foolish not to. This might have even been some sort of test, a bizarre psychological gimmick to determine how reliable she was.

Damn it, damn it, damn it! She didn't want to deal with this! If this was a test, then what were the right answers?

"_Did the Angel do a lot of damage?_"

"Oh well." She actually shrugged as she said it. "My Eva needs some repairs."

"_What happened to it?_"

"Hmh, what I meant to say was, all the Evas were damaged. It wasn't just mine. Actually, the Geofront was breached, so the command center got busted up too."

Funny. She had literally forgotten about that until just then.

"_That sounds serious. You weren't hurt, were you?"_

"Not at all." This was it. "Oh, look at the time! I have to go now. My friend Hikari just stepped in. And all my other friends. We're going to the zoo."

Asuka had to cringe. It was the first thing that had come to her mind. She couldn't recall ever feeling like that before, but she just had to get this call over with, now. It had suddenly become unbearable. She felt for certain that she couldn't stand to continue a moment further.

There was another brief silence, which just made her even more impatient. Her stepmother was hesitant. Asuka was certain something was going on. Why else would she suddenly have been so interested in the Angels? There may very well have been someone with her, instructing her on what to say. Maybe it was even Father. Asuka, grinding her teeth, briefly tried to listen for anyone talking at the other end of the line, but the only thing she heard was her stepmother's nervous breathing and it didn't really matter anyway.

"_Well, I won't hold you up any more then. But Asuka, you know you can call me yourself any time, right? If you ever want to talk about anything..._"

"Of course, of course! But I don't really have anything on my mind. And I've been kind of busy."

It had been a long time since she had tried to feed Asuka that line. It was such a waste of time.

"_Well. Goodbye then. Take care of yourself._"

"Bye bye!"

Asuka waited for Mother to hang up first. The half a second it took her to do that seemed to go on forever. Her heart was racing. When she finally heard the click and the dial tone, the tired relief that washed over her was so great that she didn't even slam the phone down like she wanted to, but just let it drop into place. An instant later, she felt nothing but disgust for herself. Breaking off the conversation like that – giving up – was just _pathetic_.

It was like losing a battle.

As she walked away from the telephone, she reached out her hand and gently pushed forward her cold cup of noodles until it slid off the table, cracked into pieces and splattered its contents all over the floor. It didn't particularly make her feel any better.

* * *

Notes:

- I toyed around with the idea of writing up Asuka's and her stepmother's dialogue concurrently in both English and German, and then sort of matching up the syntax and word usage to get across the idea that they're talking in another language. In the end, I decided that was WAY too much effort for what might very well have ended up sounding unnatural and weird anyway. On that note, I'm also completely leaving out Asuka's German exclamations, since I want this story to take place in a sort of bizarre limbo between dub and sub.

Next chapter: **Kensuke**.


	3. Kensuke

Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion.

* * *

THE SIXTH DAY

Kensuke

The doorbell rang for a third time.

"Calm the hell down!"

Asuka yawned impossibly wide as she stumbled into the entrance hall. She could hardly keep her eyes open. It felt unnatural to be this tired. But then again, it was only eight in the morning. What business did anyone have there at this hour? What business did anyone have here, period? She gave her head a shake to clear the sleep from her mind, and opened the door.

Kensuke looked almost as surprised to see her as she was to see him. He was in his school uniform and had his bag with him. Reading the emotions from his face was amusing. There was the obvious exaggerated displeasure at finding _her_ there to greet him, mixed with an uncomfortable awareness that she was wearing nothing but some extremely short cut-offs and a loose t-shirt. She liked seeing that expression. But there was also something else – shock, confusion and disgust over her disheveled state. Asuka self-consciously realized that he was the first person she had come face to face with in five days. She didn't exactly look her best.

Kensuke faked a smile, but he obviously wasn't trying very hard.

"Good morning, Soryu."

"What do _you_ want?"

He almost froze up. It took him a moment to continue.

"So how come you haven't been to school lately?"

"Because I haven't felt like it. What of it?"

"I just thought you might be sick or something..."

"I'm not sick! I'm fine! Is it really that surprising that I'm tired of hanging out with little babies and studying things I already know in the world's stupidest language? It's none of your business anyway. You're wasting my time. What are you doing here?"

He wasn't bothering with the smile anymore.

"Could I speak to Major Katsuragi please?"

"What?"

"I'm here to talk to Major Katsuragi. Could you get her _please_?"

Misato. She had come home the previous night, just as she'd said she would. Asuka had heard her come in not long after midnight. She'd been lying sleeplessly in bed, but the klutz had been so unsuccessful at sneaking in quietly that she'd probably have woken her up anyway. But was she still at home?

Asuka glowered at Kensuke for a bit, then turned around on her heel and stomped back towards the living room. Kensuke hovered around the doorway, uncertain about whether to come in or not, unsure of whether she had really gone to fetch the older woman or just blown him off.

"Misato!" yelled Asuka.

The noodles and the shards of the broken cup were gone. Someone had cleaned them up. It couldn't exactly have been anyone but Misato, could it? Asuka suddenly had to wonder: had the door to her room been open when she'd rushed out just now? She couldn't remember. But it shouldn't have been open, since she'd definitely closed it the previous night.

"MISATO!"

She kept her eyes on Misato's door a little longer than necessary. She was certain Misato would burst out the second she looked away, nursing a hangover and complaining about the noise. But she didn't. Asuka released the breath she hadn't known she was holding and turned around to face Kensuke again. It looked like Misato's shoes weren't in the entrance hall either.

"What do you know, she's not here."

Kensuke immediately looked to the side, as if making sure of his escape route. But he didn't leave, not yet. When Asuka had stepped back over to him, she quite clearly saw him glancing at her chest as he turned back towards her.

"What do you want with Misato?"

"I want to ask her about Shinji," said Kensuke, a little too quickly, "You know, how he's doing. I want to know a little more about what's going on with him. All we were told is that he was sort of missing in action after the latest attack."

"What, you can't ask me? I'm not good enough for you?"

Kensuke just stared at her with an maddeningly blank expression, as if he didn't understand what she was saying at all.

"Doesn't your father work at NERV?" asked Asuka, "Can't he tell you about that?"

Kensuke didn't have an answer to that. Asuka decided to punish him.

"Oh, I know exactly what this is! You're just here to put the moves on Misato, aren't you? You can be all broken up and worried about Shinji and Toji and still being a virgin, and she could comfort you, right? Maybe give you a hug? And then you could make your big confession. 'I've been madly in love with you since the first time we met!' – or something cheesy like that. That's really your plan, isn't it?"

"No," said Kensuke through gritted teeth.

"It would probably work too. I bet she's easy. But don't you feel bad about this at all? Shinji is as good as dead anyway, you know. He might never be back at all. It's really quite low of you to use him like that, to get in some woman's pants."

"_Shut up!_ That's not it at all!"

Kensuke looked quite manic there for a moment. He even made a move to grab her shoulder, or push her, or whatever, but held himself back at the last second. He settled on staring her down with righteous anger, and Asuka matched him with a perverse sense of satisfaction that she couldn't quite understand. For the first time in a while, she felt exhilarated and alive. And then Kensuke had to ruin it all by faltering. He averted his eyes and raised a hand to adjust his glasses, and just couldn't stop himself from stealing a glance down at her bare legs in the process. She almost wished he really had gotten physical. A fight might have been nice. Perhaps she could rile him up even more? Or had she gone too far already? Did it matter? Before she could say anything, Kensuke broke the silence with a question:

"How did you become an Eva pilot?"

What? Where did this come from?

"How did I become an Eva pilot?" repeated Asuka suspiciously.

She suddenly realized that she had Kensuke's full and undivided attention. He was so focused on her now that it was almost creepy.

"Hmh. I was chosen by the Marduk Institute when I was a kid."

"I know that! I've read about it on my father's computer. But I can't find anything about what this Marduk Institute actually does, or anything else about it, like where they're based, or how they find pilots. They're supposed to be a committee under the jurisdiction of the UN, but all the data available on them is fragmented and leads to dead ends."

"Have you considered that maybe you're just not meant to know?" asked Asuka with a smirk, "This is all classified for a reason, and you're only a civilian. You don't have any right to mess around with this. Tsk, what would your father do if he knew?"

"What criteria were you chosen by? What did you do to make it? Was there some kind of test?"

Asuka just shrugged. She didn't exactly think about this very often. She was a pilot and had been one since childhood. That was just how things were. That was who she was. As far as she knew, the coming of the Angels was all foretold by prophecies and such, so maybe she was destined as well, a Chosen One. The only real question was why she was so different from the other ones.

Kensuke was shaking his head. "No, you can't ignore me like this! What did you do?"

Asuka hesitated. "I- didn't _do_ anything."

"Then what did Shinji and Toji do to become pilots? What did Ayanami do?"

"Calm the hell down, you spaz..."

"What's the reason? Is there some kind of secret to it? How does one become an Eva pilot? You have to tell me!"

This time, he actually did grab her. Asuka was so surprised when he took hold of her forearm that she didn't even beat him within an inch of his life. His grip was hard enough to be painful. Asuka glared at him like she had never glared at anyone before.

"You'll want to let go of me _right now_," she told him.

And he did. He pulled back and moved to adjust his glasses again. Asuka noticed his hand was trembling.

"How can you not know this?" Kensuke asked, his voice dull now, "Isn't piloting your whole life? The selection can't be arbitrary, there has to be something important behind it. If there was no test or anything, how do you even know that you're worthy of being an Eva pilot?"

Asuka flinched. She felt like he'd just dunked her in hot water. How dare he say that?

"I'm done talking to you. Get lost!"

She gave Kensuke a shove to the chest, pushing him out of the doorway, and slammed the door in his face. She really didn't mean to listen, to concern himself with that idiot in any way, but she couldn't help but notice that it took a long time until he walked away.

Whatever...

* * *

Notes:

- I really like the idea of putting these two together - not in a romantic sense, mind you. The boy who desperately wants to be an Eva pilot and the girl who desperately is an Eva pilot. I see some potential there. Of course, it's also really hard to rationalize interaction for them, so this chapter is mostly setup for something else down the line.

Next chapter: **Appearance.**


	4. Appearance

Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion.

* * *

THE SEVENTH DAY

Appearance

It was an early day for Asuka. She set her clock for seven in the morning, and didn't wallow in lethargy when it rung, but dragged herself out of bed right away. She felt tired, but alert.

The first thing she did was strip off her clothes, throw them heedlessly on the floor of her room and head right to the washroom for a shower. She was thorough. It took her over half an hour to empty up a bottle of shower gel and scrub herself over, then shampoo her hair twice and use some conditioner as well. Once she was finished, she was so refreshed she felt almost new. But that was just the beginning.

Once dressed, she went on to brush her teeth for fifteen minutes straight – she used ungodly amounts of toothpaste, and didn't go light on the mouthwash afterwards either. She then spent some time applying skin cleanser and a moisturizing cream. After that, she stood in front of a mirror to take care of her hair. She wanted it to be as smooth as velvet, so she brushed it, and brushed it and brushed it and brushed it and then put on her nerve clips. She had to spend some more time smoothing her hair by hand, until at last she looked perfect.

But she didn't look perfect, Asuka noticed. Her expression was wrong. The girl staring back at her in the mirror looked nervous and obsessively worrisome; it was silly and didn't suit her at all. She gave her head a shake and conjured up a cocky, lopsided grin that she much preferred.

"You look great, Asuka."

She couldn't remember when this resolution had sneaked up on her, but at some point over the course of the previous day and the subsequent night, she had decided to go to school today. It had to be. Kensuke's visit had been a nasty wake-up call. Asuka didn't even want to imagine what he was telling everyone at school. The idiot was probably starting all sorts of weird rumors about her living in her own filth and what-not else. She didn't feel like going to school or doing anything else, she was just fine with being alone, but staying at home made her look weak. She didn't care at all what her classmates thought of her, of course, but she didn't want them to think she was weak. And she had to admit to feeling just a little bit... bored.

This morning, she even prepared something like a proper meal. It was just some old spaghetti, possibly the last bit of non-instant food left in the apartment. She didn't eat much anyway, and ended up giving most of it to Pen Pen. And that was just about it. She was ready to go.

It was the first time she left the apartment in almost a week, but it didn't feel like very long. Somehow, the last few days were just lost, wasted, as if she had skipped them entirely and no time had passed. She was glad nobody else lived in the building. The fact that there were no neighbors or people like that to get in her way as she headed down to the streets made the transition to the outside world easier. Even once she got away from the suburbs, there weren't a lot of people on the move. The fact that Tokyo-3 was a ghost town wasn't all bad all the time.

The sky was cloudy, so she had to keep an eye out for signs of rain. She hadn't considered the weather at all, hadn't taken a coat or umbrella or anything, even though getting wet would have ruined everything. Aside from that, Asuka didn't mind walking. It was going to take a while, but actually, she had no intention of getting to school on time. No, she was going to arrive fashionably late. She had it all figured out.

She was going to barge in right in the middle of class, probably the second period. She was going to make a splash and show everyone just how little all of this mattered to her. She'd burst into the room and apologize for her tardiness with a smile on her face. Obviously, the teacher would demand to know why she hadn't been to school for a week. And she would just shrug her shoulders and tell him that it was none of his business. Would he rage at her making a mockery of his authority and the school rules? Asuka hoped he would. The best option would have been if he'd tell her to leave and not come back until she learned some manners – something like that. What would all the other students make of that?

"I don't give a damn."

Asuka cleared her throat and tried again.

"I just don't give a damn!"

As she made her way downtown, she ran this scenario through in her head several times, sometimes with minor variations. Without noticing she was doing it, she added more and more pace until she was positively rushing towards the school. That did not do at all. Asuka spotted a vending machine at the side of the road and decided to take a break. She bought herself a can of orange juice and lounged around drinking it for ten minutes or so, then set off again.

She arrived at school precisely on schedule, meaning the second period had already started. There were no members of the staff or other stragglers hanging around. Asuka blazed through the empty corridors, running her hands through her hair one more time. The murmurs of conversation from behind closed doors excited her way more than they should have. And then she finally reached it, class 2-A. Without stopping, without pausing and taking a breath, Asuka marched right through the door and made her big entrance.

"Sorry I'm late, teacher!"

For a moment, all eyes on the room were on her. There was a bubble of surprised silence in which she was the one and only center of attention. Asuka felt her pulse speeding up, but she made sure to stay cool. Keeping her expression carefully irreverent, she quickly ran her eyes over the entire class and committed the image to memory so she could savor it later on. Her gaze briefly fell on Hikari, but she avoided making eye contact and instead turned to look at the teacher, whom she had cut off mid-talk. The old man's reaction was very ponderous. Asuka could have sworn it took him a while to even recognize her.

"Ah, Miss Soryu."

That was it? Ah, Miss Soryu?

"Please take a seat. I will talk to you after class."

Damn it, that wasn't what she wanted at all! Asuka gave him the sour stare of disapproval. But she couldn't let too much of her annoyance show. With a glamorous flick of her hair, she set out for her table near the back, making sure not to look to the side and especially making sure not to look at Kensuke. Several of the other students were whispering, asking each other questions and offering out theories about her absence from school. Asuka had to keep herself from looking too pleased when she heard the word 'NERV' tossed around. She was less happy when she heard Shinji's name mentioned. But overall, she liked the gossip. It was a nice reminder of her importance.

Once she had taken her seat, she logged on to her computer and waited for Hikari to message her. This didn't happen – but that was fine, really. If she didn't have anything to say, or any questions to ask, then that wasn't a big deal. Asuka certainly wasn't going to start a conversation herself though. She wasn't even going to look over towards her. There was no need to give Hikari the wrong idea.

The next hour passed slowly. Asuka wanted to get to the confrontation with the teacher, so obviously the lesson just dragged on and on. It was hard to focus. She couldn't decide whether she wanted to look as attentive as possible or totally indifferent, so she stuck somewhere in the middle. Since she had ripped up a lot of her school-things, including a textbook or two, she didn't have much anything to do anyway. She spent most of the time drawing a sketch of herself standing on a podium. By the end, she couldn't even definitively say what class it had been. As soon as the bell rang, she was the first on her feet, and the first to take a bow. She hurried forward to the teacher's desk, only to find him stepping outside and beckoning her to follow. Asuka skulked after him.

They were alone in the corridor. Asuka could see that her plan had gone right down the drain. The teacher looked unduly grave, but not angry at all.

"How are you, Miss Soryu?"

"I'm just fine," said Asuka with a scowl.

"Good, good. Well, you can rest assured that your guardian has informed me of your circumstances."

"My – what?"

The teacher didn't react at all to her questioning tone. What the hell had Misato told him? And what gave her the right to mess around with Asuka's life like that? Did she actually think she was her 'guardian' now like the papers said?

"This school has an understanding with NERV, you see. We realize that piloting the Evangelions can be stressful, so there's no need to make a big deal of a few missed days, hmm? I'm sure a fine student like you will have no trouble catching up. I trust Miss Horaki has been delivering you the printouts?"

"Eh? Oh, right, she sure has!"

By the time she got back to her seat, Hikari was standing next to her table. Making sure that the teacher didn't see, she gently dropped a stack of printouts in Asuka's lap.

"I figured you wanted to be left alone for a while. Right?"

Hikari looked almost comically serious. She was biting her lower lip and staring at Asuka with an innocuous intensity that she didn't show very often. For whatever reason, she seemed genuinely worried about Asuka's answer.

"Yeah, sure. You got it. Thanks."

"I'm glad!"

It looked like Hikari wanted to break out into a smile, but didn't let herself.

"Are you alright?" she asked.

"Of course I'm alright!" said Asuka, "Why wouldn't I be?"

Before Hikari could continue, one of the other students called out to her. Someone needed help with a math problem or something. These nitwits should have had a little more regard for interrupting other people's conversations. And it wasn't as if it was her duty as class representative to help them or anything. They were just using her because she was too nice to say no. Hikari glanced around between Asuka and the other guy for a moment.

"I'll talk to you later, okay?" she said.

Before walking away and leaving her alone, she touched Asuka's shoulder briefly. Why did she do that?

A few minutes passed. Asuka felt... bored. She surreptitiously glanced to the left of her, and then to the right of her. Nobody was looking at her anymore. Nobody came to ask her where she'd been either, but she didn't expect them to anyway. Hikari was still busy. An unpleasant empty feeling was growing in Asuka's stomach.

* * *

Notes:

- This ended up oddly long, which might end up kind of inconsistent. As it stands, I'm pretty sure there will be several chapters that'll be much shorter, possibly not even over 1,000 words.

- I'm getting more and more unsure about the story's rating. I just don't that it warrants an M. I only picked it to be on the safe side, since I figured the F-bombs and other language would add up over time. I don't really have anything very mature planned... well, there's actually going to be one rather risque scene about twenty chapters down the line, but it's hardly an outright lemon either. So yeah, dilemma. (Postscript: And with that, I downgraded the rating, for now.)

Next chapter: **Cocktail Party**.


	5. Cocktail Party

Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion.

* * *

THE EIGHTH DAY

Cocktail Party

Lunch break.

As soon as they were done with their silly little ritual of debasement at the end of class, Asuka stepped over to Hikari's desk, put her hands down and leaned in her face.

"Let's have lunch together."

Technically, it wasn't so much having lunch together as Hikari having lunch and Asuka watching. She hadn't packed anything for herself. Hikari would naturally offer to share from her own box, but she was going to decline. Asking was a meaningless formality, since they almost always spent their free time together anyway. She only bothered with it to make up for unceremoniously skipping off without telling her the previous day. The apologetic smile on Hikari's face told her everything she needed to know.

"I'm sorry, I can't. I need to see the student council about preparations for the festival."

She looked almost expectant, or perhaps wary. Asuka wasn't in the mood to complain, so she gave her a permissive nod.

"All right."

Hikari stood up and picked up a notebook and assorted documents from her bag. Before leaving, she gave a reprise of that same smile. Asuka watched her on her way, and returned to her seat only once she was out the door.

Normally, most of the dozen-odd students left in the class would have dispersed for the lunch break, gone outside or perhaps to the roof. That wasn't exactly an option today, not unless they wanted to get very, very wet. It was raining, and hard. The entire city was completely awash. The clouds were heavy and blacker than black, casting the city in an unnatural and untimely darkness. Looking out the window, one would have been forgiven for thinking it was late evening, even though the clock wasn't even 12 yet. On top of that was the constant wavering rhythm of torrents of water battering the roof. Asuka wondered why she seemed to be the only one to notice how fricking annoying that sound was. Nobody really seemed to mind being cooped up; they were eating and having their inane conversations and generally making merry as usual.

Asuka slowly sunk down on her table, resting her forehead on her arms. Recently, she felt tired practically all the time, and she didn't understand why. She got plenty of sleep and didn't exert herself much either, so there was really no reason for why she would have had to be so fatigued. She wished she would have had something better to do than trying to keep her eyelids open.

She wondered what Hikari was up to at the moment. Asuka had never been to a Japanese school festival, and had no idea what planning for it entailed. Was it some kind of bizarre bureaucratic assembly? She couldn't imagine it being anything other than unbearably dull, or at least a lot less interesting than a good conversation with Asuka Langley Soryu. Still, she couldn't exactly begrudge Hikari for fulfilling her duties and responsibilities, could she? No, no she couldn't. For a while, she had thought that Hikari had become class rep for the prestige and the authority. That made sense, didn't it? But seeing her throw herself into it the way she did almost left the impression that she liked it. Asuka was going to have to ask her about that one of these days.

Part of her was dimly aware that she was falling asleep. She knew what a bad idea that was, and that she should have been trying to fight it. It would have been embarrassing – no, mortifying – to nod off in the middle of class. She'd have laughed along with everyone else if it happened to someone else, and sleeping in the company of others made her feel uncomfortably exposed anyway. But somehow, she just couldn't gather up the energy or the willpower to throw off the veil that was falling over her.

The rain kept on tapping. Her thoughts were flowing apart like water. The chatter of her classmates seemed to be fading in and out. And then she heard her name.

"...Soryu..."

Soryu.

It wasn't spoken to her. In fact, it came from the far right side of the class, a hushed mention that she only barely happened to pick up on. Suddenly, sleep was the furthest thing from her mind. She focused in on the voice.

"...What's wrong with her?"

"Oh boy. You know, I'm pretty sure a trained team of psychiatrists couldn't figure _that_ out. I'm a little out of my depth."

"I'm serious. Look at her."

There was a pause during which they did just that. Asuka's first instinct was to immediately snap upright and give them a glare like the warning light of the wrath of God. But she held herself back. She wanted to hear. Slowly, so no one would suspect she was paying attention, she turned her head slightly to the side and opened one eye just enough to see who was talking. It was two guys sitting right next to the wall, one behind the other. Asuka was pretty sure she had known their names at some point, but now, they weren't even on the tip of her tongue. They might as well have been total strangers.

"I can see what you mean. She's being unusually tolerable."

"I wonder if a family member died or something. Maybe she's in grieving. Or maybe it has something to do with Ikari's disappearance. She could be depressed over that."

"Why do you care again?"

"I'm just curious. There has to be a reason why she didn't come to school for a week."

"If you're so concerned, you can write her another letter and ask. I can draw the hearts for you."

"You're never going to let go of that, are you?"

"Hah, absolutely not. I thought we agreed that she was a bitch and totally not worth it?"

"Well, sure she's a bitch, but I don't really know whether she'd be worth it or not, do I? I had to try."

"And she totally shot you down. Saying she shot you down is a kind way of putting, really."

"If Soryu walked up to you right now and asked you out, could you really say no?"

"I wouldn't push her out of bed. But that's not the point. Sending her love letters is just going to make her more and more uppity. Someone like her doesn't deserve them."

"I do wish she was this peaceful all the time."

"Hey, I have an idea! This could be your big chance! If she's feeling down, you could try going to her and comforting her, if you know what I mean."

"Are you serious?"

"No, I'm not serious. Actually, I think she's lulling us all into a false sense of security. She's going to blow up when we least expect it. Trying to approach her would be insane."

"Yeah... Yeah, she'd probably just yell at me."

"You'd be getting off light with just a shouting."

"None of this actually addresses the issue though. What's wrong with Soryu?"

"How should I know? Maybe she's finally off her period?"

So that's how it was.

Asuka would have had every right to be furious at those dorks for badmouthing her, but that wasn't the really frustrating part of the conversation. She'd been called a bitch before, both behind her back and to her face, so maybe she had gotten used to it. What really twisted the knife was that these losers were so small-minded that they had to reduce her down to some annoying hot girl when she was actually so much more. She was a _pilot_, something which they totally failed to consider. Aside from that, she couldn't bring herself to be either flattered or insulted by their words. The truth of the matter was that she couldn't take them seriously.

A bitch, huh? These guys were so transparent!

They were scared, plain and simple. They didn't know how to deal with someone as mature and assertive as Asuka. Not only did she act like a strong woman instead of a typical meek schoolgirl, she was also bright and talented and blatantly out of their league. Was it any surprise they felt threatened by her? She had read about this very thing dozens of times. Men often looked down on intelligent, capable women, saw them as some sort of challenge to their own stunted sense of masculinity. Apparently, this attitude reached even into a middle school class. Asuka's independence made the boys feel insecure, and they tried to rationalize that by making it all her fault. We're not wimps, she's a bitch! It's not that we're not good enough, it's that she's stuck up!

And it wasn't just that they were boys – they were Japanese boys to boot. She had to take cultural differences into account too. Japan was very stiff and formal, so she had a bad reputation for nothing more than speaking her mind from time to time. And of course, ideals for what was attractive in females and what wasn't were very different there. It was all so backwards, really.

Japanese men wanted women to be nurturing and sweet and always polite – and above all, submissive. In school, they wanted someone they could make out with occasionally so they could convince themselves they were players, and later in life, someone who would make them tea and massage their shoulders and not speak unless spoken to. These guys – the two right there and all the other ones – they wanted someone simple and low-maintenance. Well, too bad. Asuka certainly wasn't going to apologize for being who she was, for being lively and fiery. A woman had to be difficult and hard to get. Men had to make _some_ effort to get someone to be interested in them; wasn't that obvious?

The boys in her class didn't like her because they couldn't handle her, that was it. Most of them didn't even have the guts to make their confessions to her in person. Just the fact that they sent her silly love letters at all was the best possible proof that she was right to ignore them. The letters weren't even for _her_. Nobody here even knew who she really was!

And besides... She had seen Misato act like a bitch to Kaji too. She was hostile to him, and when she wasn't hostile, she was passive-aggressive. Sometimes, it seemed like all she did was chew him out for something or other, or complain just for the sake of complaining. Asuka had tried everything, including being sweet, but Misato had managed to win him over by being a bitch, so there had to be something to it. She was so much worse than Asuka, really, and Kaji still liked her. He liked her a lot.

Asuka stewed in her seat, unmoving, for the rest of the lunch break. She didn't feel too sleepy anymore. The bad mood bubbling inside her kept her mind alert and invigorated, despite the greater lethargy that was still holding her in its grip. She only roused herself when Hikari returned, and ended up regretting doing even that much.

"How are you?" Hikari asked.

Asuka straightened herself up and looked her in the face. Hikari, clutching her papers to her chest, was observing her very carefully, looking for signs that she was displeased over being left alone. Asuka could literally see the cautious optimism slowly melt away from her expression. She assumed that Asuka was mad at her. Even faking a smile would have cleared up the misconception, but even that was just too much effort. Rather than saying she was fine, Asuka just shrugged.

* * *

Notes:

- I'm going to have to explain the title, aren't I? I think laying it all out here will seem a little less pretentious than waiting for someone to ask me about it. The "cocktail party effect" is a phenomenon in the psychology of perception that describes how people can distinguish particular auditory stimuli among background noise - for instance, being able to understand, or at least follow, someone's words when there are lots of other people talking at the same time. It's just a little nod to the psychological terms in Evangelion's episode titles.  
- Before I started writing this chapter, I was expecting it to be the best one yet. As it stands, I think it's more the chapter with the most wasted potential. I don't think it's awful or anything, but I'm quite displeased with a lot of it, particularly the actual overheard dialogue and the ending. What do you think?

Next chapter: **Rei I**.


	6. Rei I

Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion.

* * *

THE NINTH DAY

Rei I

The First Child. It had been only a matter of time until she showed up at school.

Asuka had made a point of not concerning herself with Rei or her absence, but had still held out a small hope that she'd have the decency to stay beneath her notice when she reappeared. Rather than remaining an invisible ghost like she should have, she made a flashy entrance in a horrifyingly familiar way: she was late for class. She stepped in a short while after the beginning of the lesson, apologized quietly and made her way through the class to her desk by the window without paying anyone the slightest bit of attention. This all happened to quickly and smoothly that she had already taken a seat by the time people caught on and burst into whispers yet again. This was, as far as anyone knew, the first time that Rei had been late. She was absent plenty enough, but she was also always on time when she was there. Asuka tried to pretend she wasn't fuming.

Rei had been hospitalized after the last Angel attack, Asuka knew that much, but she didn't look like it. She had no visible signs of injuries – no bandages, no casts, not even faded bruises. She looked just about normal, in fact, or at least weird in a manner that was typical for her. Her behavior was completely casual in that inscrutably calm manner of hers. There was nothing in her features or bearing to indicate that she had almost been killed in a hellish battle and missed out on more than a week of her life, nothing at all different from how she usually was. Why should small stuff like that disturb _her_ peace of mind? She was after all Wondergirl, Miss Honor Student, and she was above it all. She was so immaculate.

It didn't take long for Asuka to realize that she had to talk to her. It wasn't an idea she cherished, and she reached the decision with such a heavy heart that she might as well have been obliging some insane demand made by someone else instead of following her own intuition, but in the end, she didn't feel like she had a choice. It wouldn't have been an exaggeration to say that Rei was the only person in the entire world that could maybe understand her. Even if that was the only bit of common ground they shared, they were still both pilots. There had to be something Asuka could pry out of her, even if it was just a hint as to how she could be so damn relaxed despite _everything_.

Figuring it was like pulling a tooth, Asuka jumped right into it. As soon as the class ended, she made her way over to Rei's desk and slowly settled down in the empty seat in front of her, sitting sideways and leaning her back against the wall. She kept her neck craned to the right all the way to keep an eye on the First Child. If Rei noticed Asuka swooping in and taking up a position so close to her, she didn't show it. She didn't look up or show any other reaction. It was as if Asuka wasn't even there. That was when Asuka realized the flaw in her little initiative. She had decided to talk to her, but damned if she was going to be the one to start the conversation!

Rei was engaged in her favorite pastime: staring out the window. Her elbow was leaning on the table and she was resting her jaw against the palm of her hand. There was something disconcertingly familiar about the way she just didn't move. Rei excelled at being immobile. She could have given wax statues a run for their money. Any other person would have seemed like they were just lost in thought and not really looking at anything, but in Rei's case, it was impossible to tell. She seemed alert, yet not, enveloped in her unique aura of not being quite there. Asuka peeked out of the window herself, but didn't find anything that could have been so interesting.

What was so great about Rei anyway?

She certainly wasn't popular in the conventional social sense, but people were inexplicably fascinated with her. They took far more notice of her than her quiet and unobtrusive nature would have suggested. She had quite a bit of the school's male population of the school enthralled. Well, she did and she didn't. No one ever tried anything with her – because, really, she was creepy as hell, and all the guys were cowards anyway – but they were perfectly content to admire her from afar. None of the other shrinking violets in the school received that kind of attention.

Was the attractive? Well, maybe. Asuka could see some things about her that could have been regarded as attractive, but she didn't think Rei was anything special either. That was probably not what her appeal was about. What really seemed to draw people to Rei was that she was 'mysterious' – whatever the hell that meant. People thought that her complete inability to socialize and act like a normal human being was enigmatic and cool. (She didn't even have make an effort!) Rei was almost like a personification of NERV itself, all the associated questions and conspiracy theories wrapped up in a single individual. Everyone wanted to know more about her, but no one wanted to ask her and break the spell.

Asuka righted herself so she was facing Rei and leaned closer to her, hopefully far enough to get in her personal space. She couldn't press herself as close as she wanted to without looking comical, since the desk between them was keeping them apart. Even with Asuka glowering right in her face, Rei ignored her. The close-up view reminded Asuka just how weird the First Child was. Her skin wasn't just unnaturally pale, it was also oddly clear. There were no blemishes, no pimples or birthmarks or anything, and she wasn't wearing make-up either. Normal people didn't have skin that smooth. It looked like someone had retouched her with a computer. Why did no one ever seem to notice that? And what was the deal with the red eyes?

Asuka took a deep breath and then released it, blowing air in Rei's face. She did it casually enough that she could pass it off as just an errant sigh, a complete accident. The other girl didn't react to it in any way. At this point, it was clearer than clear that she was ignoring Asuka on purpose. But the break was going to end soon. Asuka didn't have time to play this game. She was either going to have to do something or walk away.

"Look at me."

And that's what Rei did. She lowered her arm and turned towards Asuka, with just a trace of innocent puzzlement in her expression. Then, after a moment of silence, she said:

"Hello."

Was she mocking her?

Asuka leaned back a little, but maintained eye contact.

"Late for school, huh?" she said with a mean smile, "Isn't that a first for you? That's a pretty big screw-up for Miss Prim and Proper!"

"I will endeavor to be more punctual in the future," replied Rei evenly.

They had barely started, and already Asuka was stumped. What could she say to that? Should she let this awkward platitude pass, or should she probe further and actually try to get some kind of clarification? That could leave the dangerous impression that she actually cared. After a moment of uncertainty, she just went ahead and asked, quickly and coldly:

"So what happened?"

Rei hesitated. "Are you asking me why I was late?"

"You got it," said Asuka through gritted teeth.

"It took me too long to deliberate whether I was going to come or not."

"Why did you have to think about that?"

"I have been granted a leave of absence for recuperation."

Recuperation? She was perfectly fine!

"So why _did_ you come?"

"I don't know."

She didn't know. Right, whatever. That was just about as much chit-chat as Asuka could take. Talking to Rei was so tedious. It felt like it took time for every word to seep into her, and precious split seconds dwindled away as she figured out what to say. Asuka had to wait for every answer.

"So I heard you tried to blow yourself up."

"Are you referring to my attempt to destroy the 14th Angel?"

Asuka nodded. Rei stared at her, and she at Rei. It took her a while to realize that the other girl wasn't going to continue.

"Why did you do that?" Asuka asked.

"Unit-00 was not in a condition to fight. That was the only viable tactic."

"But you failed."

"Yes."

Asuka was left momentarily speechless. She couldn't believe how easily Rei could admit that.

"And you would have died if you had succeeded."

"Yes."

Did she not know what that meant?

"You haven't killed a single Angel on your own."

"No."

Asuka didn't even mean it as an insult or an accusation. It was a simple statement of fact. Rei hadn't managed to defeat a single Angel by herself. Asuka had defeated one, only one...

"Well, how does that make you feel?"

She hated how soft her voice sounded asking the question. She cleared her throat to cover it up.

To Rei's credit, she at least seemed to be thinking about it. She raised her hands and steepled her fingers in front of her mouth, and Asuka suddenly realized why she had seemed so familiar earlier. But her face was still blank. She wasn't being stoic, she wasn't being serious; there was just nothing there.

"I don't know what you mean," said Rei, "It doesn't make me feel anything."

"Oh."

Asuka couldn't help but look over to the rest of the class. The two of them interacting was notable enough that several heads were turned their way, including Hikari's. Or was it all about what Rei was up to, and the crazy red-headed bitch was completely incidental to the picture?

But Asuka wasn't insulted, oh no. Instead, she felt a smug sense of superiority surging through her. She really seemed to be the only one who actually knew what was going on, didn't she? She just had such a better outlook than everyone else, she had _perspective_. The insane irony of all this interest people had in Rei was that it couldn't have been more misplaced. There was nothing underneath the surface. She was a hollow shell without any real depth to her, a false idol. In truth, Asuka couldn't think of a more boring individual.

She turned straight ahead again and saw that Rei had mirrored her movements – she had followed her gaze and was just swiveling her head back towards Asuka.

"Hmh."

And then, against all odds, Rei spoke:

"I am... displeased with my failure against the 14th Angel. If I had been successful, there would have been no need for Ikari to return. He would not have had to sacrifice himself."

"Don't- don't talk to me about _Shinji_!"

Rei had lowered her gaze so she wasn't looking Asuka in the eyes anymore. She wasn't really looking at anything. There was a barely visible crease in her brows, not quite a scowl, but – at least it was something.

Then again, it was next to nothing. Rei was supposed to care about him. She couldn't wait to crawl to his bedside after he'd gotten trapped inside the 12th Angel. They were like two peas in a pod. Hell, Asuka didn't know _what_ they were. And this half-assed show of sorrow was the only reaction Rei could muster? Yeah, she must have been real broken up about it!

Asuka would have loved to call her out on it, but if a blank stare was going to be all she got out of it, then what was the damn point?

She didn't know what exactly she had expected from this conversation, but it had been more. She wanted to cut it off, but wasn't sure whether she could do that without coming off as slinking away in defeat. Just as she was mulling over the best exit strategy, the bell rung. The next class was starting. So Asuka stood up and walked away. She didn't spare Rei another glance, but spent much of the rest of the day reminding herself not to think about her.

* * *

Notes:

- Unlike last time, I am actually quite pleased with how this turned out. I am, however, a bit uncertain about my Rei. She's difficult for me. I do think Rei is relatively less complex in comparison to Asuka, and I think I 'get her', but her persona is nuanced enough that I don't quite know how to reproduce it. I hate it when she's portrayed as too robotic in other fics. Well, I'll still have two other opportunities to get it right.

- In my notes, I have this chapter marked as "[Bullying Rei.]" In that vein, I should mention that Asuka isn't going to act nasty front to back through the whole story. She's actually going to be nice in the next chapter. Well, sort of.

Next chapter: **Kodama and Nozomi**.


	7. Kodama and Nozomi

Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion.

* * *

THE TENTH DAY

Kodama and Nozomi

They arrived at Hikari's place less than an hour after leaving school. It had been quite a rush, but they'd managed to catch the 4:15 train going out to the suburbs, and Asuka didn't even have to physically drag Hikari away from her supervision of clean-up duty. She was the first out of the classroom, actually. The ride itself seemed to drag on much further than its allotted half an hour, for both of them. From there on, it was just ten minutes of brisk walking to their destination, since the station was only a short distance away from the Horaki household. They didn't talk much on the way.

And now they were standing before the front door of Hikari's home. It was a fairly small apartment complex, just four stories high, and it even had an ornamental garden around it. It was a much fancier neighborhood than where Misato's place was, and the apartments were quite a bit bigger. The building even looked better; it wasn't a generic gray box, but a pleasant, tastefully colorful house that seemed like an architect might actually have spent effort on it. Hikari and her family lived on the second floor.

As they stepped into the stairwell, Hikari bit her lip and glanced over at Asuka.

"I'm really sorry for dragging you here," she said.

Asuka shrugged. "Whatever. I told you, it's not a big deal."

It was a waste of time neither of them needed, but Asuka was willing to put up with it. She didn't really mind going there, and she didn't have anything better to do with her time anyway. The only real problem was Kodama and Nozomi. It wasn't that she disliked Hikari's sisters, she just didn't like being near them or spending time with them, and that was exactly what she was going to have to do.

By the time they got to Hikari's door, she had her keys ready and let them in. The first thing they saw was a pair of shoes lying in the middle of the hallway, which Hikari picked up and stashed on the appropriate shelf with a slight scowl. The disorderliness miffed her a bit, even today. Asuka, meanwhile, tried to look casual while simultaneously keeping an eye out for a certain ten-year old girl jumping out to ambush her. They left their own shoes as well as their school bags in the hall and ventured forward into the living room, where they found Kodama Horaki splayed out on the couch.

Aside from her height, Kodama looked almost identical to Hikari, distinguishable only by her longer, more mature jawline and a lack of freckles. Her hair was the same shade of hazy brown, though she wore hers in a ponytail. She was dressed in the school uniform of the Second Tokyo-3 High School, a dark gray, fairly conservative ensemble. There were two magazines lying open in front of her, and she seemed to have been reading both of them at once, somehow. Having heard them at the door, she was already looking up when they stepped in and immediately broke into a smile. The next instant, she was on her feet and swooping towards Asuka, arms wide open.

Kodama was the only Japanese person Asuka knew who hugged people in greeting. She didn't do it to anybody and everybody, but Asuka was apparently a 'friend of the family' and therefore got the full treatment. She was even occasionally known to plant a kiss on both of her cheeks, like some kind of tiresome parody of a German. Considering that she was from a culture where this was perfectly normal, Asuka really had no reason to feel uncomfortable with it, but she nevertheless had to make an effort not to go stiff when Kodama got hold of her, and gave the older girl's shoulders a single awkward pat before being let go.

"Hey, Asuka! It's so good to see you again."

"Hi."

Asuka suppressed an annoyed grunt when Kodama leaned an arm on her shoulder while addressing Hikari.

"Hey, sis. Good day?"

Hikari looked at Asuka and smiled. "Very good, actually. Could you take care of our guest while I prepare dinner?"

"Dinner? Isn't it a little early for that?"

"I'm going out with Asuka so I won't have time to make it later on. It'll probably be a few hours until I get back." Her mouth shrunk to a tiny line as she looked her sister up and down. "Kodama, you need to change. You'll crease up your uniform, and I'm not going to iron it for you this time. And you left your shoes out in the hall again."

"Okay, okay," said Kodama with a vague wave of her hand, "I'll take care of it."

Hikari didn't look confident, but after a moment's pause, she turned around and walked off, leaving Asuka to fend for herself. The Horakis' apartment was big enough that the kitchen, dining area and living room were all separate rooms. Asuka was outright envious of how much space they had. She would have preferred to hang out with Hikari in the kitchen, but Hikari didn't like it when others watched her cook. It would only have slowed them down if she kept giving her the evil eye over her shoulder.

Obviously, Kodama didn't bother to go and change.

"I can hardly redress and entertain you at the same time, can I?" she mused with a cheeky grin.

She detached herself from Asuka and plopped back down on the couch, patting the spot next to her. Asuka pretended not to notice and sat in the armchair instead.

"So how have things been going around here?" she asked.

"Oh, there's not much new to report. Hikari's still fussy, Nozomi's still precocious and dad's still busy. But remember that louse of a boyfriend I had? I finally dumped him, and I've been feeling light as a feather since then. I won't take him back either, no matter how much he begs."

Asuka raised an eyebrow. "A likely story! You've told me the same thing pretty much every time I've been here."

"Oh? Well, I definitely mean it this time."

She fished an open bag of chips that she'd apparently been hiding from Hikari from the floor and offered some to Asuka, who grabbed a handful.

"It's been way too long since you've been around," said Kodama, "I wish you'd drop by more often. But I guess NERV keeps you pretty busy?"

"Mmmm. Can't say that it does."

"Ooookay. Well, fair enough. Say, where are you and Hikari off to anyway?" asked Kodama.

"Down to the Geofront. To the NERV hospital."

Kodama nodded knowingly, but asked the obvious question anyway. "You're going to see Suzuhara?"

"Well, _I'm_ not. I don't have anything to say to that guy, and I'd just get in the way anyway, don't you think? I'm only taking Hikari there and then see about getting her a provisional security pass so she can visit him on her own whenever she wants."

"Oh? How are you going to do that?"

"You've got to be kidding me! Have you forgotten that I'm a Pilot? I'm going to ask and they're going to do what I'll say."

"Or else?" asked Kodama with an oh-so-charming chuckle.

"Yeah, well, I'm not expecting the administrative clerks to put up much of fight, okay?"

There was a moment of silence during which Kodama reached her hand into the bag and stuffed some more chips into her mouth, without taking her eyes off Asuka. As usual, she had a slight smile on her lips, making her look extraordinarily smarmy.

"Good thinking with that security pass, really. Just worrying about him constantly is bad for her health. She was pretty bummed the whole time you didn't go to school. Did you two have a fight or something?"

Asuka frowned. Was she trying to make her feel bad?

"Hmh. No, we didn't have a fight! I didn't go anywhere in the first place. Just because I was skipping school didn't mean I wasn't there for her. Hikari could have called me at any time and I would have taken her to the hospital. So it's not my fault."

Kodama chuckled again. "Aw, I know it's not your fault. I kept telling her to go see you, but she insisted that you wanted to be left alone and that she shouldn't 'interfere', whatever that meant. That's so stupid, isn't it? As if people ever truly want to be left alone."

Asuka did not like the way Kodama was staring at her.

"Wow," she said dryly, "That's so fricking deep."

"Hah!"

Kodama laughed out loud, even though Asuka hadn't really meant it as a joke. She rolled her eyes and looked away briefly, which gave Kodama the opportunity to do the unthinkable: she sat up and reached over to pat Asuka on the head as if she were a _child_. Asuka knocked her hand away and bared her teeth, but Kodama just laughed. She never took things seriously, and she couldn't read people worth shit either.

"But yeah, I'm glad for Hikari," Kodama said, "It'll do her good to spend some time with her man. I just hope she won't take it too far and stick to him all day every day."

Was she really that naïve? Did she actually expect anything else?

Before Asuka had the chance to answer, they were both distracted the flush of a toilet and then the sound of a door closing. They turned to look at the doorway just in time to see a small figure pass by. A few seconds later, the figure stepped by backwards and looked in on them. And then Nozomi Horaki squealed in joy.

"You should have told me Asuka was here!"

It was eerie how similar to each other the Horaki sisters looked. They were like the same person depicted at different times in her life, or triplets accidentally born eight years apart. Kodama was a longer, leaner version of Hikari, while Nozomi was a round-faced miniature of her. It didn't help that she had pigtails as well, though hers were at the sides of her head. She was wearing short-pants and a T-shirt that was too big for her, probably a hand-me-down. She looked even cuter than Hikari.

Asuka suspected that if she had been standing, Nozomi would have taken a page from her older sister's book and glomped her. As it was, she just rushed up to the armchair and pushed up against her knees.

"You know what, Asuka?"

Asuka felt a ridiculous sense of entrapment. She had no choice but to ask.

"What?"

"I've decided that I'm going to become an Eva pilot!"

Well, she certainly hadn't expected that.

"You can't," blurted out Asuka.

"Yes I can!" said Nozomi, completely undeterred, "I have the highest grades in my entire class, and I'm the best at sports too. Does NERV have some kind of application form I could fill out?"

"No, no, you can't! Do you really think it's that easy? It takes years and years of training and preparation to become an Eva pilot. You need to keep a strict fitness regimen and study martial arts and combat tactics and meditation and a dozen other things. It's something you take on as your life's calling; you can't just jump in the cockpit on a whim."

At least, that's how it was _supposed_ to work. There was definitely no need to mention the Glorious Wunderkind Exemption Rule to Nozomi.

"It'll take years? Aww, crud. And by that time, you'll have defeated all the Angels, won't you, Asuka?"

For a second, Asuka honestly wanted to punch her face in.

It was a stupid, reflexive thought – there was no sarcastic jab hidden in Nozomi's words; she was simply making a compliment – but Asuka couldn't help the path her thoughts took. Something of this impulse must have shown in her face, because Nozomi's bright grin faltered and she recoiled slightly. Asuka was at a loss about how to fix things, so she did the first thing that came to mind: she smiled.

Up until then, she realized, she hadn't shown an inkling of a positive emotion at the Horakis' place that day. Even the smile was completely fake, but that didn't make it meaningless.

"Ah, yeah! That's exactly right. By the time you'd get out of basic training, there will be nothing left of the Angels but a thin red smear. And that's a promise!"

Nozomi relaxed at this. Asuka leaned forward so she was face to face with her.

"And there's another thing too," she said, "Piloting is really, really dangerous. You know that, don't you? It should be left to the professionals. Little kids do not belong on the battlefield."

Nozomi gasped in offense. "I'm not a little kid! I'm-"

"You know what happened to mine and Hikari's classmate, don't you?" cut in Asuka.

That shut Nozomi up well enough. She nodded slowly, looking almost guilty.

"Hikari really likes talking about him."

"I bet she does," said Asuka, "But you see my point, don't you? We're fighting a war, you understand that, right? Every Angel attack is a battle for our lives. Toji was very lucky that he even survived."

Asuka fully expected Kodama to make some kind of quip about her being even younger than Toji, and she wasn't sure whether she could stay cordial after that. Kodama indeed spoke up, but not about Asuka's age:

"Suzuhara's been in that hospital pretty long now."

"He's being fitted for artificial limbs and stuff," said Asuka with a shrug, "That takes time."

In fact, NERV kept Toji there largely to make absolutely sure there wasn't a trace of contamination by the Angel, but no one was supposed to know that. Asuka hadn't even told Hikari, though that was hardly only because the information was classified.

The three were caught in a moment of somber silence that threatened to engulf them entirely, until Nozomi broke it with a sigh.

"All right, I get it! I guess I'll just stick to my original plan and become Prime Minister."

She turned around and threw herself next to Asuka in the armchair, squirming around until she had pressed herself way too close for comfort. Asuka groaned and found herself glancing longingly at the free space on the couch. If Nozomi had been a boy, she would have thrown him off and called him a pervert, maybe given him a little punitive kick for good measure. Had she even washed her hands? Her face was just a few centimeters from Asuka's, and she was beaming again.

"You know, your hair is really pretty."

Asuka smiled.

Before she knew it, she'd raised her hand to give Nozomi a pat on the head. But that would have been sort of hypocritical, wouldn't it? At the last second, she changed course and instead ran her hand through her hair and let it fall on her shoulders.

"Thanks," she said, "It does look pretty damn great, doesn't it?"

Kodama cleared her throat.

"Ahh, yeah. By the way, Asuka, you wouldn't happen to be free this Friday evening, would you?"

For a change, she actually wasn't smiling. She looked earnest, nothing more.

"Why?" asked Asuka.

"A friend of mine is holding this party, but I can't go unless I find someone to look after Nozomi, and something tells me Hikari won't be here for the day. You said you weren't busy, right?"

"I don't need anyone to take care of me!" piped in Nozomi, "I can look after myself!"

She changed gears rather quickly.

"Heh, well, if it's you, Asuka, then I won't mind! Can you make it?"

Asuka was shocked as hell to realize that she was actually entertaining the notion of agreeing.

She didn't like children, and Nozomi was a perfect exemplar of why, a distillation of all the little annoyances of youth – but she wasn't _completely_ intolerable either. Unlike most people, she actually seemed to understand and admire Asuka's importance, so that was another point in her favor. She was smart for her age, and Asuka liked her ambition. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad to spend an evening with her?

She imagined herself sitting alone at home on Friday, bored out of her mind and running the same unpleasant thoughts through her mind again and again. She'd been in that position often enough already, but looking after a kid was something she had never done before. Maybe she really should have given it a shot?

But... no. No. Since when was looking after kids something she even wanted to do? She didn't like children and she never wanted to have any, so why bother?

Nozomi was just an excitable little girl who didn't know anything about her, and she was probably really mature enough that she would be just fine on her own. She didn't need Asuka there. And Kodama, well, Kodama needed to take some goddamn responsibility for a change. She only made the suggestion because she wanted to dump an unpleasant duty on someone else. But Asuka was NOT going to be her patsy! No way! She was a _Pilot_, damn it, not a babysitter, and it was an offense to her station to even ask her something like this!

Her mind was made up.

"No," she said, "I can't make it."

A number of lies ran through her head as excuses for why she couldn't be there, but Kodama never even asked. She just struck her fist in the palm of her other hand and 'tsk'-ed, smiling lopsidedly all the while. Nozomi's face twisted as if she'd just swallowed something bitter.

Asuka wasn't sorry.

Not long after that, Hikari called out to them from the kitchen. Dinner was apparently ready. Kodama and Nozomi were on their feet instantly. Nozomi tried to grab Asuka's hand and drag her to the dining room, but Asuka evaded her and followed them at her own pace.

The sisters took their seats on one side of a large six-person table. Three cups of milk and some bread were already laid on the table, as well as their chopsticks. Asuka hovered around the doorway, uncertain of whether or not to to sit down as well. She had figured that Hikari would just quickly prepare something for her sisters, and that they would get going as soon as that was done. The idea that Hikari would have the patience to sit down for a meal herself right now hadn't even entered her mind.

It turned out that she was wrong. Hikari arrived, wearing an apron with a nonsensical English catchphrase on it. She looked very... domestic. Before Asuka could step out of her way to let her in, she put a hand on her shoulder, guided her to the table and sat her down opposite Nozomi. She would never have dared do something that forceful at school, or anywhere else, really. Asuka belatedly realized that the third cup was for her, not Hikari. She looked up at her, and found her staring down her older sister. She looked displeased, but not overly severe either.

"Kodama, I told you to change. You're not going to get dinner until you do that."

"You're still wearing yours, you know," muttered Kodama.

It wasn't a protest. Hikari was serious, or at least sort of serious, and they could all tell that. Kodama just sighed and stood up, shoulders slumped in exaggerated defeat. She marched off to her room looking like a prisoner walking to her execution.

Before going back to the kitchen, Hikari fished something out of the pocket of her apron and set it down in front of Asuka – a fork. Asuka felt another pang of unbidden, irrational anger. But just like with Nozomi earlier, there was no implied insult involved. Hikari knew perfectly well that Asuka could use chopsticks as well as any Japanese person. This was special treatment. This was what she wanted.

"Can you cook, Asuka?" asked Nozomi.

"Of course. I can do anything I want."

"Which one's the better cook, you or Hikari?"

The question made Asuka rather uncomfortable. "I'm not sure."

"You two should have a cook-off! I volunteer to be the judge."

They were mercifully interrupted by Hikari's return. She was carrying three plates at the same time, like some kind of waitress. Kodama stepped in shortly afterwards, having exchanged her school uniform for light, baggy pants and an irritatingly pink blouse.

Hikari hadn't made anything too fancy: cooked rice with some kind of distinctly non-Japanese sauce, raw salmon and a mixed vegetable salad. It was just something she had thrown together in a hurry, not an actual dish. Hikari smiled as she set down the plates, mystifying Asuka. As she gave Asuka hers, Hikari gently touched her hand. It was a completely extraneous movement, and she didn't do it by accident. Asuka looked up and tried to meet her gaze, but Hikari had stepped away to slip off her apron and hang it on the doorknob of a cupboard. Kodama and Nozomi were already digging in.

"I left dad's meal in the kitchen," said Hikari, "You need to put it in the fridge once it's cooled down. Don't forget, okay?"

She was looking pointedly at Kodama, who showed no reaction whatsoever to her request. Asuka couldn't tell whether she was just joking around or genuinely pissy, but she suspected the former. After a few seconds, Hikari set her sights on Nozomi.

"Can you do that?" she asked.

Nozomi nodded enthusiastically. "You can count on me, sis!"

Once she had sat down next to her, Asuka asked the question:

"Aren't _you_ going to eat?"

"I'm not hungry," said Hikari.

Hikari didn't make a whole lot of sense sometimes.

She wanted to get to Toji as quickly as possible, Asuka knew that. She was annoyed at having to make a detour home to cater her siblings, that much was certain as well. So why delay things like this? If she wasn't going to eat anything herself, then why bother making something for Asuka? She shouldn't have wasted the time.

She might very well have done it out of obligation, because Asuka was doing her a favor, or simply in deference to etiquette. It could have been an act of gratitude, or a preemptive apology. Had she even thought about it? Maybe preparing an extra meal for a guest was so ingrained in her that she did it automatically, and regretted it now. Maybe Asuka was over-thinking a generic act of kindness.

"I'm probably a lot less hungry than you," said Asuka, "You could just take my plate..."

Kodama and Nozomi both froze momentarily, and gaped at Asuka in perfect unison. The idea of someone saying no to Hikari's cooking was inconceivable to them. Oh yeah, and it was probably pretty rude, wasn't it?

Hikari simply shook her head, but Asuka decided to ignore her. She pushed the plate somewhere between them so they could both eat off of it, and smirked when Hikari reluctantly gave in. Of course, she ended up eating most of it anyway, but the bites Hikari took satisfied her immensely. Together, they finished off the plate in a couple of minutes. Asuka still had half her milk left when they stood up from the table.

Kodama and Nozomi both expressed the hope that Asuka would visit them more often in the future, and Asuka assured them that she would think about it. (As if.) Neither of them pressed the issue. They all knew how anxious Hikari was to go, even if she didn't show it, so they just said their goodbyes quickly.

Asuka and Hikari still had to slip on their shoes in the hallway, and grab their bags.

"Are you taking anything along for Toji?" asked Asuka.

Hikari actually blushed at that. "No. I didn't really have time, and I didn't want to rush it. But I'll make him something nice tomorrow. Chocolate cake, maybe."

Asuka wondered what she was going to make the day after tomorrow. And the day after that…

* * *

Notes:

- Well... This chapter sure is long. But I guess that's appropriate, since it's quite important. In fact, this chapter could ruin the whole story later on if I'm not careful. I am not _exactly_ dissatisfied with it in general, but it does strike me as a bit of a mess. There are a lot of problems, great and small, that really bug me, so criticize away.

- I spent an improbable amount of time and effort thinking about the whys and wherefores of Kodama's and Nozomi's personalities. I even came up with something like a backstory for them, which seems kind of wasteful, since I have no plans to use them again in later chapters. However, I'm very curious how they came off. Do you think they're well-defined for minor characters? And why do you think I made them as they are?

Next chapter: **Misato**.


	8. Misato

Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion.

* * *

THE ELEVENTH DAY

Misato

Home, sweet home.

Asuka intentionally fumbled around with the keys to make her entrance as loud as possible. Over the last few days, she had gotten into the habit of taking her time with getting home from school, just so she wouldn't have to sit around and wait to see if Misato would come. As irregular as Misato's office hours were, she tended to be home by 5:30, so it was better to arrive after that and know at once whether she was there or not. Otherwise, Asuka would keep glancing at the clock uncertainly, and that made it very difficult to pretend that she didn't care. But today, Asuka didn't want to spend one more moment out and about than absolutely necessary, so she came back right away and made some noise. She wanted anyone who might have been in the apartment to hear her coming.

She knew she was being silly. There was no way that Misato was there, no reason why she would suddenly have decided to leave her cozy hideaway at the headquarters, especially this early. Once she was inside, a quick glance around the entrance hall confirmed that she was right.

Asuka closed and locked the door behind herself. She had already decided to leave the key in the lock, but after staring at it blankly for a bit, decided to pull it out and pocket it after all. Then she whirled around and headed to the living room. She slipped off her shoes without even stopping, and left them lying around in the middle of the corridor. Her schoolbag, she swung and around and hurled against a wall, just for kicks.

Asuka really, really, REALLY wished Misato had a couch. Unfortunately, lack of proper furniture was one of the many problems with Japanese interior design. She ended up pulling together all the mats next to the television table, and slumped down on top of them. Changing out of her school uniform was out of the question. She didn't even want to think about moving right now.

Doing just about anything sent jolts of pain through her. Everything below her stomach was on fire. She felt like a balloon full of blood, ready to burst at any moment. Sitting at school had been bad, but the walk home had been hellish. Since morning, a couple of days' worth of anger had blazed through her and then faded away, leaving her tired and worn out. And on top of everything, her bra chafed in all the wrong places, and she didn't appreciate the bits of numb, awkward pleasure mixing into her generally lousy state. Not moving seemed like the solution to all that.

The TV remote was on the table and within reach, so she managed to grab it without too much discomfort. She switched the television on and flickered aimlessly through the channels until she got to a news program holding a tedious political discussion. She turned up the volume for no other reason than to have some sound in the apartment. The silence was not to her liking, so she destroyed it with a stream of meaningless electronic babble.

For a while, Asuka rested in relative peace. Laying immobile on her back gave her a bit of respite, and she was too tired to be bored out of her mind. The chatter of the television in the background served as a distraction, even if she wasn't listening to the words. Somewhere along the way, she had a nap – and foremost in her disorientation upon waking, she pushed herself up on her elbows and looked around to see whether Misato had come home. She had not.

"Shit."

Why did she have to waste her thoughts on Misato, really? Where was her mental discipline? It wasn't enough that she had no control over her own body, no, she had to lose control of her mind as well...

Asuka sighed and laid back down, lifted one arm and rested it on her forehead. While she had slept, the sun had set and the apartment had gotten dark. It took a while for her eyes to adjust.

By this time, the television was playing a commercial advertising muesli bars, and Asuka realized that she was starting to get hungry. Her breakfast had been bare, and she had skipped lunch yet again. Her perennial lack of appetite was now catching up to her. The funny thing was, as much as she'd have liked to eat, she wasn't sure whether she would be able to keep the food down.

But eventually, she decided she needed _something_, even if it was just a glass of water. Her mouth and throat were getting dry. After a few hours of keeping still, even standing up was going to be uncomfortable, but she didn't exactly have a choice. Slowly, she sat up and – biting her lip and ignoring the cramps – got on her feet.

She trudged over to the fridge in the kitchen and opened it to see if there was anything to her liking in it. She picked up a packet of orange juice, whirled open the cap and took several large, satisfying gulps. She'd actually planned on going to the store for some groceries today, but in the end, she had really not felt up for it. It didn't really matter, since she still had plenty of food left anyway; only the snacks were severely depleted. She could go shopping tomorrow, or whenever.

Once she had finished drinking and put the orange juice back, her gaze fell on the rows of beer in the fridge. Cans upon cans of Yebisu, lying around completely unguarded. There was no one to stop her in case she decided to drink some.

What would Misato do if she discovered that part of her stash was missing? Would she be very pissed off? Would she want to yell at Asuka?

Asuka had drunk alcohol before, of course. She'd tried out all kinds of beer and wine while she was at university. Most of it had tasted horrible. Why adults always drank something so disgusting, even if it was part of some pitiful social ritual, was beyond her comprehension. She didn't really want any of Misato's beer, but the temptation was still there. It would have been worth it to piss her off.

Then again, she could just as well drain some cans into the sink and let Misato _think_ she had drunk them. The prospect seemed amusing enough.

"'Oh no! My negligence has driven my ward to alcohol! I'm the worst guardian ever!'"

But she was home so seldom and so briefly that she would probably not even have noticed, and there was really no point to it anyway if Asuka couldn't see her expression as she made the discovery. Besides, the prank relied heavily on Misato actually caring.

"Hmh."

Asuka head turned, almost by itself, to look over to the phone – and the blinking light of the answering machine. There were new messages, several of them. A few days earlier, she had made the pointed decision not to listen to Misato's calls, but then she'd plain forgotten about them. During that time, there could have been an important breakthrough at NERV, or Misato might actually have had something worthwhile to say. Well, Asuka seriously doubted that, but... maybe.

She decided not to make a big deal of it. She simply shut the refrigerator door, stepped to the telephone and pressed the replay button. Hearing the first blast of Misato's fake chirpy voice almost put her off the whole exercise right away.

"_Heeey, Asuka! Um, I haven't exactly heard from you. Call me when you get the chance, okay?_"

"Oh? Why should I, Misato?"

"_How are things? Is everything going smoothly at school? I know you're probably on top of this stuff, but do your homework anyway, all right? You can only get better with practice._"

"Because I'm not good enough already, is that it?"

"_I'll call you when something happens. Keep your chin up! Everything is going to be all right._"

There was a short pause before the next message started.

"_Good morning. Or is it evening? It's hard to tell when you're underground for long. Everyone is really busy here. There haven't been any new developments yet, but NERV is really doing its collective best. The tech division is getting to show off their chops again. They're constantly analyzing data and running simulations and doing all sorts of complicated technical things. I don't really understand most of it... Ritsuko, Ritsuko's working especially hard. She's pulling twelve-hour shifts, and she doesn't stop during her off-hours either. She's amazing. I know she's going to figure something out! Well... That's all, I guess. Bye._"

"Yes, I'm sure Doctor Akagi is hard at work. And what are _you_ doing, Misato? What is it _you're_ so busy with – getting people coffee? I bet you're hovering over Akagi's shoulder all the time and badgering her for updates. You're only getting in her way and mucking everything up, aren't you? Hmh, you're useless when there's no battle going on!"

"_Hello, Asuka. Honestly, this is starting to feel a little silly._" A sigh. "_I hate all this waiting. Don't you? The uncertainty is getting worse with every day. You know what I mean, right? I wish I could do a better job at keeping you up to date, but the situation is always changing. No one can tell me anything concrete. One moment, everyone is scrambling to get something done, and the next, they're wringing their hands in ignorance. I wish... I wish I could do something for him, you know? But I guess if there's no battle to direct, then I'm kind of useless, aren't I?_"

Oh.

"_Heh, look at me getting all wistful! Feeling sorry for myself isn't going to help anyone either. Just forget I said anything. I'll call again tomorrow. See you!_"

Asuka found that she was grinding her teeth.

"Who are you even talking to? This isn't your confessional. What, you're opening up here because no one else has time for you? You're so pathetic, Misato. Talk to _me_ when you're calling me. If you have something to say to me, then say it to _me_ instead of unloading yourself to a telephone."

The next message started with such a long stretch of silence that Asuka almost got the impression that her admonishment had broken the answering machine or something. And then, the sound of a breath.

"_Asuka, I... Ah, listen, they're going to restart synchronization tests soon, maybe next week. So be prepared, okay? We all need to be in shape in case there's another attack._"

Asuka nodded. She had expected this. It was surprising that NERV had waited even this long. But the prospect of getting back into an entry plug didn't excite her as much as it should have.

"_So... how are you? I hope this isn't a stupid question. I know you're doing just fine. You're a big- I mean, you've always been self-sufficient._"

"I didn't expect anything from you anyway."

"_But this must be hard on you. I know you and Shinji didn't always get along, but I'm certain you never hated him, not really. I know you're worried about him too. I mean, he's your roommate and, and..._"

"And what? He's not even my roommate anymore, and he's not your ward either. He moved out, remember? Why should I be worried? He's nothing!"

He was nothing, now literally as well as figuratively. Hah... Wasn't that kind of funny, in a sick and twisted sort of way?

Asuka closed her eyes and shook her head. She didn't want to think about this. Misato's voice pressed onward.

"_I really wish you would call me, so I would know how you feel about Shinji and... everything. So if you get this message, call me._"

"If you really want to reach me so much," asked Asuka, her voice shaking, "then why don't you call me on my damn _cell phone_?"

She couldn't help but whip out her phone from her pocket. She checked it again, to be absolutely certain. Sure enough, there were no unanswered calls.

"_I'll drop by in a few days... well, some time soon. We can talk then, if you want. Goodbye._"

And that was it, at least for now. Asuka had no doubt that Misato would call again soon, perhaps later in the evening when it seemed likely that Asuka was asleep, or when she was at school.

It genuinely mystified her why Misato even bothered with this. Maybe she did it out of boredom, as a way to pass the time while she was wallowing her office. Or maybe Asuka was her distraction, to get her mind off of worrying about her precious Third Child.

"So you'll be home soon, hmm? Well, don't expect to find me here! I have other things to do, important things. I'll be sure to stay out of your way!"

A soft growly noise from the floor drew her attention. Pen Pen, holding a hot water bottle between its flippers, had stalked up to her and was looking at her. Asuka was frankly surprised to see it. She had assumed that it had learned to stay out of her way by now.

She almost asked what it was staring at, but held herself back. She wasn't going to get into a shouting match with a penguin again.

But then again, maybe talking to a penguin wasn't much stupider than talking to an answering machine, or no one at all.

* * *

Notes:

- Yes, Misato doesn't actually make an appearance in the chapter titled after her. Don't worry, she'll show up eventually.

- Let's change gears a bit. So far, most every single review has commented on the characterization (and that's very good, please keep doing that), but nobody's said anything about the actual writing. What do you think about my prose? How are my word usage and pacing and the like? Do I overuse dashes, semicolons and the word "just"? Personally, I'm worried that my work comes across as kind of clipped and rushed. When I look at my favorite fanfics, they all have a level of detail that's just not present in my story.

Next chapter: **Substitute**.


	9. Substitute

Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion.

* * *

THE TWELFTH DAY

Substitute

The automatic doors of the convenience store swung open with a pleasant 'ding' – or tried to, at least. Half-way through, the mechanism sputtered and broke down, leaving only a small gap in the doorway. For a few seconds, Asuka twitched around like a fool, waiting to see if the stalled doors would react to her movement and open up. When they didn't, she turned sideways with a wince and a growl, and squeezed herself through.

"City of the future, my ass," she muttered.

She was the only one in the store. The neighborhood wasn't exactly the most populous anymore, and it was late anyway, late enough to be getting dark outside. Asuka had actually meant to go shopping on her way home from school, but had simply forgotten. A silly thing to do, really. She had deliberated for a good while whether she felt up for going outside, and had ultimately decided that she absolutely needed some chocolate and couldn't spend a moment further without any. Besides, bothersome as it was, she didn't exactly have anything better to do. Her evenings were filled mostly with a whole lot of nothing. The store closest to Misato's apartment had closed a while ago, so she had to walk an extra ten minutes, but at least it passed the time.

Asuka grabbed a basket and wandered among the shelves of foodstuffs. She grabbed all the typical junk food staples: a couple of large soft drinks, several bags of potato chips, salted peanuts, donuts, and of course, plenty of sweets, including chocolate of all kinds. She even threw in some bananas so the there would at least be some nutritional value somewhere in her basket. At times, she wasn't even really looking what she was taking. She was probably going to eat a lot of this that same evening. Her dinners were inconsistent these days, and on some days, she only subsisted of snacks.

Asuka made all her purchases with a card on Misato's account. She did feel a brief tinge of guilt over spending so freely – Misato didn't make all that much and wasn't exactly rolling in money – but this emotion was easily suppressed. It's not like Misato had many expenses herself right now. She wasn't acting like a proper guardian anyway, so what was it to her if Asuka ran the household as she saw fit? She was just taking care of herself.

There were a few other things she needed, or at least didn't mind getting. Toothpaste, paper napkins, a nail clipper for Pen Pen... As she turned to look around for breath mints, some movement caught her attention. It was the store clerk flinching and sharply looking away from her direction.

Asuka didn't react. She carefully maintained an expression of casual disinterest and went about her business as if she hadn't noticed a thing. After dawdling for a few seconds, she stepped over to a rack of cereals, picked up a box and pretended to read the nutritional information while actually peeking over to the clerk, who was hunched over and seemed to be looking at something in front of him, perhaps a book or a crossword puzzle. But he wasn't, was he? No, he was actually surreptitiously staring at Asuka.

Maybe he recognized her because she was an Evangelion pilot? Information about the pilots' identities had never been officially revealed to the general public, so she wasn't _exactly_ famous, but word could still have spread, couldn't it? Lots of people at Asuka's school knew, and they would have told their families and friends about her, and so forth. But no, that probably wasn't it.

He could have been staring at her because she was a foreigner, of course. Asuka had been there a few times, but it was certainly possible that this guy had never met her before. Maybe it was his first time seeing someone from outside the country, someone of a different race. Some Japanese still had an issue with that, even now. There were times when she noticed people, particularly older ones, being slightly awkward around her – stiff and just a bit too formal so one could tell that they were forcing themselves more so than usual. But it was hardly something she concerned herself with very much.

The most likely reason for his interest was naturally simply that she was pretty. He was in awe at the attractive girl that had walked into his life, the redhead different from everyone else. Love at first sight, hah.

Asuka had a hard time keeping herself from smiling at the thought.

The clerk himself was nobody special. He was young, but seemed to be rather tall. His lanky frame barely fit in his seat behind the counter. His hair was a typical shade of bland brown, and very short. He was wearing some kind of apron, the convenience store's workplace uniform. He was just an average, boring male, and incidentally the kind of guy that wouldn't have ever stood a chance with a girl of Asuka's caliber, not in a million years. The only really interesting thing about him was that he looked old enough to be over 18, and yet he had no problem ogling at an underage girl like a lolicon. Typical male!

Asuka looked thoughtful and put the box of cereals back, then turned around and walked a bit farther so she was hidden behind one of the larger shelves. She looked around to make sure one more time that there was no one else around, and undid one of the buttons on her shirt, opening up her school uniform just enough to reveal a tiny glimpse of her chest and the lace of her bra. She'd been dressing in a hurry and had simply missed it.

With that, she stepped back into the open and marched off to the counter to make her purchases, waving the basket around brazenly. Up close, Asuka could see clerk's pimples and the peach fuzz on his jaw. There was a manga on the counter before him. He was wearing an expression of subdued nervousness, like a particularly dull rabbit, but tensed up when Asuka stepped up to him. Girls made him nervous, hmm?

The clerk didn't quite manage a greeting. Asuka made sure to look suitably bored as he started scanning and bagging her items, but after a short while, the mechanical pull and swish and place rhythm of his movements accompanied by the rustling of the plastic bags made her genuinely impatient. She refused to do anything to draw his attention to her, and eventually, whether by accident or on purpose, his gaze wandered to the girl in front of him and discovered the small gap in her shirt.

Asuka could see his eyes widening, just a bit, and a short, inaudible gasp coming from his mouth. Her heart was beating like crazy. For a few glorious seconds, he was staring right at her chest, and Asuka felt like the queen of the world.

What a dirty, _dirty_ mind this guy had. Disgusting! It was shameless, the way he was looking at a teenage girl...

The moment he caught himself was priceless. He finally looked up at her face, so very afraid of what he might find. His eyes were blue.

Asuka smirked.

"Pervert."

His gaze shot down instantly. He turned very red and seemed to physically shrink in his seat, but managed to carry on with what he was doing.

The clerk had the goods packed and ready soon. He didn't dare look up again while Asuka made the payment. She was still grinning as she grabbed her bags and walked off. It was so tempting to look back and check whether his eyes were on her, so tempting, but she held herself back. She would not deign him with her attention. The stalled doorway crimped her smooth exit somewhat, but she managed to slip through easily enough.

Her elation faded somewhat out in the cool evening air.

The feeling of being queen of the world disappeared with the realization that she didn't really know what she was doing.

Suddenly, putting up a show seemed a lot less important. She took several quick strides to get out of sight of the convenience store's windows. She didn't want him looking at her anymore, and she certainly didn't want to catch another glimpse of him herself. As soon as she was far enough, she looked around the empty street, put down her bags and hurried to button up her shirt again.

Her hands were shaking. _Weakness_.

She kept doing things like this; it was so pointless and weird. She didn't feel like she was her own master. It was best not to think about it. But as she grabbed her snacks and headed home, she couldn't get the question out of her mind:

Why did she need this?

* * *

Notes:

- This was one of the first chapters I came up with when I was conceptualizing the story. I don't even know why I'm mentioning this; these notes have become a sad, strange compulsion for me. But I always enjoy reading prefaces, afterwords and all sorts of commentaries, so...

Next chapter: **Kaji**.


	10. Kaji

Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion.

* * *

THE THIRTEENTH DAY

Kaji

If Kaji had any flaws, aside from an extremely weird and messed up taste in women, it was that he was just too dedicated. One could also call it stubbornness. For someone so laid back, he could be really serious and single-minded sometimes. He always saw things through to the fullest, with no regard to the personal consequences.

His work at NERV was the perfect example of that. He was some kind of troubleshooter, an investigator who looked into the operations of the company's subcontractors – or something. Asuka actually only had a very nebulous idea of what his job actually was, but she knew it had long hours, didn't pay much and often required him to leave Tokyo-3 on business trips for days and even weeks to boot. Even when he was around, he kept himself very busy, performing his duties with unswaying diligence. Perhaps there was a bit of the typical Japanese salaryman in him, though comparing him to sweaty middle-aged men in suits, even off-handedly, was a horrifying thought.

The dedication was a flaw because it meant he was cut off from Asuka for long periods of time. He put too much time and effort into things that weren't her. She did not appreciate that, especially now.

She had called him again and again and again over the last two weeks, perhaps several dozen times all together, but had never reached him. She had tried his cell phone, his work phone and his home phone, all to no avail. When his phone wasn't switched off, he just didn't pick up. Asuka knew she should not have been this insistent about it, that she shouldn't interfere with his duties, but surely Kaji could find five minutes to have a small conversation? Only five minutes – that wasn't too much to ask, was it? That wasn't being clingy and annoying, was it?

She really could have used someone to talk to.

She would have given anything just to hear his voice, even if it was just to say "I'm sorry, Asuka. I don't have time for you right now."

At least it would have been something.

Kaji lived in an apartment complex not unlike Misato's, though his place was considerably smaller and, to be perfectly frank, dingier. It was located in 'the bad part of town' – the industrial projects on the other side from the suburbs. Like the rest of the city, it was only constructed a few years ago, yet somehow looked several decades older than any other district. Parts of it were in a ridiculous state of disrepair, since the reconstruction work following Angel attacks always seemed to reach there last. It would no doubt have been the district with the highest crime rate, if there had still been any criminals left in Tokyo-3. There was always some kind of demolition work going on in the area, and the noise pollution resulting from that was the worst part by far. Hearing the continuous dull thuds at length seemed like it could drive a man insane; Asuka thought she was half-way there already.

She was on her way to visit him. It wasn't yet ten in the morning, but it looked like it was going to be a great day, a sunny day. Of course, everything was gloomier in the projects, owing partly to the nearby smokestacks pumping drab cloud cover up in the sky all day long. Asuka had been walking for half an hour, but the building Kaji lived in was now in her sight. It was an eyesore.

It was beneath someone like Kaji to live in a place like that, really, and Asuka didn't understand why he chose to stay there. She wasn't exactly intimately familiar with the housing situation in the city, but considering the state of the population, she would have expected prices for living space to be way down. Even with his wage, Asuka was sure he could have afforded to find something better, if he wanted to.

Still, lame as the apartment was, Asuka much preferred it to Misato's place. She had spent her first few precious days in Tokyo-3 there, before she was ordered to move in with Misato. Sure, it was just two rooms and a kitchen, the plaster was peeling off the ceiling in a couple of places and the bathtub was a little rusty, but that was nothing compared to all the _good_ things, like the fact that the bathroom lock was broken, giving Asuka a perfect opening to "accidentally" walk in on Kaji while he was showering in the mornings.

Living with him in an apartment of their own had been so different from their time together in the NERV training facility back in Germany, or on the _Over the Rainbow_. They had been free to casually spend time together like never before. They had cooked food for each other. Asuka could get away with wearing so little that even she had been scandalized. It was the closest thing to domestic bliss that she could imagine for herself. But her memories were bittersweet at best. Her life with Kaji had ended before it had begun when she was forcibly uprooted and put together those other ones instead.

Still, despite the briefness of her stay, Asuka managed to conjure up a vague sense of nostalgia as she walked up the stairs to the apartment. There was an elevator, but sometimes she just preferred to exert herself and take the steps. She couldn't wait to get her hands on him, and standing motionless in an elevator felt at odds with that.

Kaji was definitely going to be there, she knew it. She had intentionally picked one of his off days. That's also why she was there so early; she knew how much he liked to laze around in the mornings.

But as she approached Kaji's floor, she got slower and slower. There were things she hadn't yet figured out.

The last time she had seen Kaji was just after the attack of the 14th Angel. It was funny how she felt like a cold hand gripped her heart any time she thought of it. For the last twelve days, she had done her best to forget, but memories of the battle had a tendency to invade her mind, to hook into her and simply not let go, and once she started thinking about it, it was so hard to stop.

After she was taken out of the fight, Asuka had been left alone to stew in the silent darkness of the entry plug for quite a while. Once the NERV technicians eventually came to fish her out, Kaji had been there with them. He'd taken her to the medical ward for a check-up and then driven her home later on. It had all felt so unreal. He'd also explained everything that had happened, but Asuka had barely listened. The details of Shinji's triumph were insignificant compared to the magnitude of her failure.

These whole couple of hours were just a big blur for her. She was trapped in an endless loop of recall and had not had the energy to pay much attention to her surroundings. The reason this was a problem was because it left some things unpleasantly ambiguous between her and Kaji.

Asuka thought... well, she wasn't really certain... but she thought she might have been crying when Kaji picked her up.

She did not want to think that she had let herself down so hard. No, it was quite improbable, almost impossible even. But whether there were tears in her eyes or not, the fact of the matter was that she had been in a PATHETIC state. And Kaji had been there to see it.

Because pondering about this was so difficult, she had never reached a real conclusion about what to do and how to behave. Now she had to decide how she was going to play it.

She could just pretend everything was alright and act normal – sweet and pleasant and slightly forceful. If she did that, maybe he would forget all about her show of weakness two weeks ago. That was one possibility. But Kaji had shown himself time and again to be cold and resistant to that Asuka.

There was something else she could do, something truly drastic: appealing to his protective instinct by showing emotional vulnerability. It would only be a pretense, of course! If she feigned being lonely and sad, then he would have to finally take notice of her. He _couldn't_ turn her away if she really looked desperate and in need of comfort, he absolutely couldn't!

But... Asuka didn't know if she could stomach acting that way. Even if it served a purpose, she could not abide the idea of Kaji getting the mistaken impression of her as a weak little girl. Nothing was worth that.

By the time she reached Kaji's door, she still didn't know what to do. She was just going to have to wing it, because she absolutely couldn't stand to be apart from him for a moment longer. She rang the doorbell right away, and hearing the muted buzz from inside pleased her to no end. It felt like she was coming home. An inadvertent smile was already on her lips.

Her smile faltered as the wait drew on. It probably just took Kaji a minute to get ready because he'd still been in bed. He was going to come, he was definitely going to come.

Part of her already knew that he wouldn't be there.

Gritting her teeth, Asuka rang the doorbell three more times before resorting to knocking. Nothing happened, and silence was her only reply.

"Kaji!" she finally yelled.

Asuka couldn't help but think:

What if Kaji _was_ there? What if he was hiding because he had a woman with him?

What if Misato was there with him?

"Kaji, are you there? Kaji!"

One last try.

"KAJI!"

But no matter how loud she was, Kaji wouldn't come. He wasn't home. Even on his day off, he didn't have time for her.

Misery was bearing down on her like gravity. Frustration was welling up inside her like actual, physical pressure. Asuka noticed she was breathing heavily. She hadn't come all this way for another goddamn disappointment, but there was nothing she could do about it except groan and give the door a kick. She was seriously contemplating whether she could break it down and get in by force, if only to stay there and wait for him.

On a whim, she bent down and looked inside Kaji's mailbox. It was empty, meaning Kaji had been home recently. If he was away from the city, the letters would have piled up.

"Why?"

Asuka stood up again and stared at the closed door. She had the wild and irrational urge to knock again, even though she knew that it would be pointless. The only way she could resist doing it was averting her eyes from the door. She looked over her shoulder; there was no one behind her.

What else could she do? She grabbed her phone.

* * *

Notes:

- Like Misato, Kaji will have a proper chapter later on as well (a better, less explanatory one).

- With this chapter, the story is now officially one-third complete. At the current pace, I'd be finishing up at some point in August - but I doubt things will go quite so neatly. For one, I have to take a short break for now. I have ten days to write a 4000-word essay, so I'm thinking it's best to focus on that for now. Expect a wait of at least two weeks until the next chapter. You should use this time to write _lots and lots of reviews_.

Next chapter: **Numbers**.


	11. Numbers

Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion.

* * *

THE FOURTEENTH DAY

Numbers

The time had come.

At long last, Asuka had received a message from NERV, saying to report to the Geofront for a synchronization test at 1100 tomorrow – and tomorrow was today.

Headquarters was still in a shambles, of course. The Fourteenth Angel had been swift and incisive in the worst possible way, bypassing all their precious external defenses and the layers of armor with infuriating ease and doing unprecedented damage to Central Dogma. They'd been just a hair's breadth short of total defeat. The suddenness of it had been a painful reminder of just how lucky they had been to avoid this sort of disasters so far. They hadn't even had time to deploy any Evas to the surface.

Who would have expected another attack so soon after the previous one, really? The Angels' comings and goings didn't really have a clear pattern, but Tokyo-3 was usually left with a grace period of at least a few weeks between attacks. The Ninth had struck just a couple of days after the Eighth, but the battle with the latter had taken place at sea and not in the city, so the people at NERV had been psychologically buffered. After all that drama with the Thirteenth, the staff had probably just gotten a little complacent. Perhaps someone had just been a tad too slow with noticing a blip on their sensors, or maybe someone had fallen behind on declaring an emergency, and by that point, the Angel was already practically on top of them. At some point afterwards, that someone had no doubt been extensively chewed out. Yes, the whole incident had been... embarrassing for all concerned.

Asuka couldn't take her usual traincar down to the Geofront. It had been taken offline, pending repairs. Apparently, one of the holes blasted into the city floor had been just close enough to do major structural damage and render the car unsafe for use. Any trip made on it was in all likelihood going to get a little too fast as it broke loose and crashed down into the forest below. As a result, Asuka – like a damn fool – had to run a distance of several blocks to get to the next station. She didn't want to be late, did she? And of course, there were no taxis around for her to take. Hell, Asuka didn't exactly think it would have been unreasonable for her to have her own personal car and driver.

Her second choice of traincar line was still in working order. She got a good look at the damage on her way down. It was probably going to take weeks until everything was back in full working order. Cranes were looming over the NERV pyramid, and she could see some tiny orange dots below where the tech crews were working. There was less debris than Asuka had expected; perhaps it had already been removed, or – more likely – the Angel's energy blasts had had enough destructive power to outright disintegrate a lot of what it hit.

Oddly enough, NERV has prioritized cleaning away the remains of the Angel ahead of most anything else. Maybe they just hadn't liked their backyard being full of gore. On the other hand, there were still smudges of purple blood on the ground where- no. Asuka turned away from the window and kept her gaze pointed firmly at nothing for the rest of the ride.

Once she reached the complex, it was already clear she wasn't going to make it to the test facilities exactly by eleven. Doctor Akagi was probably going to chew her out for it, even though it was clearly not her fault!

Asuka had to admit, she had been feeling ambivalent about the reactivation of operations at NERV. She hadn't really been enjoying synchronization tests for a while now, and this one in particular seemed like such a bother. But in the end, she had still decided that this was a good thing. It would be satisfying to get back in action again, even if it was just for a couple of experiments.

In fact, perhaps she could even use the time that Shinji was away to skip ahead of him in scores again. She just had to make more of an effort than ever before.

She ran most of the way to the control room, though she slowed down to do a brisk pace whenever she passed by any people. By the time she stepped in the door of her destination, she was hardly out of breath.

She couldn't see Doctor Akagi anywhere, but the rest of the tech crew was all there, including Lieutenant Maya. She was sitting in Akagi's usual seat, and had a clipboard, a laptop and a notebook on the control panel in front of her, all displaying complicated lines of equations and tables of figures that Asuka had to admit that she did not even come close to understanding. Before she could announce herself, Maya already looked over her shoulder and noticed her.

"Oh, Asuka! Good morning!"

She was smiling, but clutched her clipboard to her chest like a shield as she swiveled her chair around to face her. Asuka nodded a greeting.

"You're a little late," said Maya.

Asuka was ready. "That's not my-"

"But that's alright, really! I understand. Things are a little hectic hectic around here right now, so we're not that concerned with the small stuff at the moment." She cleared her throat. "This will be a solo test. Rei won't be coming today, so you'll be on your own. You can take things nice and easy, okay? The plug depth will be a little higher than you're used to, but it will still be fairly challenging. We should really schedule another major check-up for you, but for now, let's assume your physiological state is within usual parameters. And I take it you haven't been near any strong electrical fields or anything else like that recently either?"

"Yeah, no. I haven't had that occasion."

"That's good then," said Maya, leaning back twitchily and putting away the clipboard at last, "So how are things in general? Are you doing well?"

Asuka stared at her, trying to gauge what exactly she wanted. Maya liked to pretend that she was friends with the pilots, so maybe it was just making idle chit-chat, but she couldn't help but feel as if this was all a part of the test somehow.

"I'm doing very well!" said Asuka, "Actually, it feels great to get back to work again. I've been waiting for this. I'm in tip-top shape, really. I'm sure there will be no problems."

Maya chuckled nervously. "That's not- I mean, how are things aside from that? How is your personal life?"

The moment Asuka took to figure out what to say drew on into a full-fledged awkward silence. Finally, she just shrugged indistinctly and let her eyes wander over the control room again.

"Where's Doctor Akagi?" she asked.

Maya cringed at the question.

"Well, I'll be in charge of the test today. Doctor Akagi is busy with her work on Eva-01. I've taken over all her-day-to-day duties while she's working on getting Shinji out of there. The Commander has decreed that the rescue operation take priority over everything else right now."

Asuka balled her hands into fists.

"Huh," she said, "Well, I guess that makes sense."

Wasn't it obvious? Asuka wondered how she could have been so _stupid_ that she hadn't seen this coming. Of course Doctor Akagi didn't have time to focus on someone as unimportant as Asuka Langley Sohryu, the Second Child, when NERV had its invincible wunderkind to worry about. Asuka was just leftovers, to be placated by sending some low-level tech to deal with her.

"I just hope you won't screw up without her here," she said off-handedly.

Maya's mouth slowly twisted upside down. She turned her head to the side and glowered weakly at nothing.

"Look, can we just get this test over with, Miss Whatever-Your-Name-Is? I don't have all day."

Maya nodded. "Yes, certainly. We'll get started."

Asuka whirled around and made for the door, but an errant "um" drew her attention back to Maya.

"Major Katsuragi is here though, you know. She just went to the bathroom a moment ago. I think she should be back any minute now."

Asuka found herself inadvertently going stiff. She resisted the paranoid urge to glance back at the door.

"Misato is here?"

Maya nodded again. After some hesitation, Asuka snorted, loudly.

"Well, what of it? It doesn't make a difference to me what Misato is up to. I don't care one bit!"

With that, she turned around again and left without sparing Maya another glance. There was no one in the corridor outside, mercifully.

She hadn't expected this. Well, all right, in hindsight, it was perfectly obvious that Misato would be hanging around here somewhere, but she hadn't thought – hadn't considered the possibility – that she would come and observe her synchronization test as usual. She didn't think even Misato would be so presumptuous. She wanted it not to matter, but suddenly, there was a hurry where there had been none before.

She had already pulled off the ribbon from her school uniform and was unbuttoning her blouse by the time she stepped through the door of the dressing room. Her plugsuit was there waiting for her, as usual, lying sprawled out on the bench. Asuka stripped and put it on, then made her way to the test chamber.

There were some technicians around to help her get into the entry plug, but there was no need to pay them any mind. They didn't have much more to do than close the hatch after her once she had hopped inside and taken up her position in the pilot's seat. A few seconds later, LCL started flowing into the plug and Asuka's instincts took over. She didn't even need to remember the first two things she had picked up on in her training: to keep her eyes open and to breathe through her mouth.

Being immersed in LCL was unlike anything else in the world, and it had taken her years to get used to it. It was incredibly light and viscous, and her plugsuit was sealed so tight that she felt neither cold nor wet; she would barely even have have felt it if she couldn't have seen the orange waterline crawl up across her chest. When she had first started with the tests – she had been much younger then – this had all felt incredibly unreal.

The smell of blood was almost forcing its way up her nostrils, but Asuka didn't let it bother her. Once the LCL was up to her neck, Asuka dunked her head under and took her first liquid breath in two weeks. Moments later, the main lights were turned on and the LCL was energized, making it transparent and therefore almost imperceptible. Asuka was ready to go as well. She gripped her hand sticks, even though there was no Eva for her to control, and waited. And waited some more.

The minutes drew on, and still nothing was happening. Asuka leaned back, crossed her arms and scowled. It wasn't exactly interesting, sitting around in an entry plug. There wasn't a whole lot to do in there.

What was taking so long? What was Maya playing at? Hadn't Asuka told her to hurry up?

Eventually, the holo-displays came online and Asuka got a video connection with the control room. By then, Misato was back. She was really there – half her face was pushing in at the edge of the screen.

"Morning, Asuka!" she said, "I hope you're ready to do this. Did you, um, have a good breakfast?"

"All right then," said Maya after a while, "I suppose we'll start the test now."

"About time!" muttered Asuka, just loud enough for Maya to hear.

"Good luck!" said Misato.

Asuka took a deep breath and did her best to synchronize.

Time passed.

There was really no set timespan for synchronization tests. In fact, they were irritatingly inconsistent. They could last ten minutes or they could last an hour, depending on when Doctor Akagi or whoever decided that they had gathered enough data. So they could drag on forever and ever and it was just so boring but you still tried to keep focused and do your best and...

Maybe she hadn't been quite fair earlier.

It wasn't really that big a deal that Doctor Akagi wasn't there, was it? And Asuka couldn't really expect NERV to put some stupid synchronization test ahead of someone's life, could she? It was a perfectly understandable decision, even sans sarcasm.

Ugh, she was getting distracted.

Asuka hung her head and closed her eyes and tried to synchronize harder.

Another bothersome thing about the tests was that there was no set guideline on what the pilot actually had to do. Asuka was pretty much the foremost authority on synchronization in the world, at least that's how she saw it, but even she didn't really know how it worked. She usually tried to focus on her Evangelion – she'd started out imagining what it would look like and come all the way to thinking of what piloting it felt like. It seemed to be a good technique. She had, after all, been the highest-rated Evangelion pilot... at least until she wasn't anymore.

And thinking of her Eva now only brought to mind the sharp pain of her arms being sliced away.

Asuka gritted her teeth. Why did she have the feeling that she was doing badly?

It was all Misato's fault. She would have been doing great, as usual, if only Misato hadn't been there. Why did she have to ruin everything?

She gradually became aware of a background noise. Maya and Misato were having a quiet conversation in the control room. They weren't even whispering, probably thought the audio link was offline. Asuka couldn't ignore them, no matter how much she wanted to. She tried to listen in, but couldn't make out anything definitive. The more she thought about it, the more certain she was that she knew _exactly_ what they were saying.

Her syncho-ratio has gone down.

What's wrong with that girl?

Wasn't she supposed to be the best of the best?

If only Shinji was here.

"Would you stop talking? I'm trying to concentrate here!"

Maya and Misato both fell silent. They were probably wondering why she didn't just kill the connection. She wasn't quite sure herself. Yes, that's what she should have done.

"Calm down," she muttered to herself.

There was too much vague anger swirling around inside her to calm down. She couldn't focus, she couldn't-

"All right," said Maya softly, "Um, thank you, I think we're done for today."

"What? But I was just getting started!"

"We have the data we need. You don't have to push yourself."

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

It didn't look like Maya was going to answer. She looked rather lost. Asuka could see Misato in the background as well, her arms wrapped around herself. This was normally the part where they would congratulate her on a job well done.

But they couldn't, could they? Maya was afraid to tell her how she did, and Asuka was afraid to ask.

* * *

Notes:

- I am very disappointed in myself. I should have managed at least two chapters in this time. It's especially grating since I have exams coming up and probably won't be getting much work done over the next two weeks either.

- I always find it annoying when good authors mention being displeased with their work. I always wonder what they're trying to prove. But the latter parts of this chapter feel genuinely _wrong_ to me. I already want to rewrite it, but I don't know how to do better. I totally had to force myself all the way, and I'm not sure why. It's like I'm suddenly just not as skilled anymore. It feels strange. But, well, I did try.

Next chapter: **Mother 2**.


	12. Mother 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion.

* * *

THE FIFTEENTH DAY

Mother 2

It was six in the morning and Asuka was lying awake in bed. She'd had another nightmare.

It wasn't quite gone from her mind yet. It was still there inside her, a familiar twisted mess of dead button-eyes, hysterical lullabies and the tortured sound of taut rope.

She did not feel well. The night had drained away her energy rather than restored it, and now she was at once sleepy and clearly unable to fall asleep again. That didn't mean she wasn't willing to try though. She kept her eyes stubbornly closed and rolled over to her side. As she turned her head, she felt something wet slide over her nose. She laid still for a little bit and considered the ramifications of this.

Finally, with a choked sigh, she sat up, threw off her blanket – and shuddered from the sudden chill. Her body was covered in cold sweat. Not only that, her throat felt dry and rough, her hands were shaking and she was oddly out of breath. It was so pathetic.

Asuka got on her feet and stumbled out into the hallway, and onward into the living room. She headed straight for the washroom, in desperate need of something to drink. She didn't even turn on the lights, just stepped over the faucet and splashed cool water in her face, then bent over and took several long gulps until she felt like she absolutely couldn't drink any more.

Standing up straight again, she randomly grabbed one of the towels hanging in the room and pressed it to her face. She felt familiar enough in her so-called home that she could snatch it even in the dark. It took her a moment to notice, but the towel smelled so offensively different – not dirty, but disgusting all the same – that she realized it must have been one of Shinji's or Misato's.

The nightmares had gotten more frequent lately, since she had moved to Tokyo-3 – or even earlier, perhaps since she had gotten her Eva or thereabouts. She didn't quite have them every night, but often enough. It wasn't always the same dream, but a couple of recurring snippets that mixed and melded together in her strained recollection, telling the same old and boring story.

Asuka didn't understand it. She had gotten over all this a long time ago, so why should it still have been on her mind? It didn't make sense for these old memories to still be rattling around inside her head.

She dropped the towel on the floor once she was done, ignored her light outline in the mirror, and left the washroom. It was still rather dark in the apartment, even though the sun has risen a while ago. The sunlight just didn't reach inside at this time of day. As Asuka stood next to Pen Pen's refrigerator and tried to figure out what to do, she gradually became aware that she was seeing three cans of beer and an empty cup of noodles on the kitchen table. Her head snapped over to the door of Misato's room. She strode across the living room and pressed her ear against it, listening for and finding the muted, rhythmical sound of her snoring. Misato was home.

Asuka – now on her tip-toes – slowly backed away from the door.

Why did she have to do this to her anyway, and why _now_? Misato had mentioned in one of her calls that she's be coming back home at some point soon, but Asuka had flat-out forgotten about that. It would have been so much better if she'd just left her alone. She had too much to deal with already without having to worry about Misato too. In fact, she felt too tired to even summon up some proper annoyance.

Maybe she could pretend she was sick or something? That would have given her the excuse to just stay in her room and... But then again, she didn't have to be there by the time Misato woke up, did she?

Her mind was made up in an instant, and she wasted no time. She slipped back into her room and quickly and quietly put on her school uniform. She didn't shower, didn't eat anything, skipped over her usual morning routine entirely so she could get ready as soon as possible. Misato could very well wake up early too, if she wanted to sneak in and out without being seen once again. She might have come home without ever intending to bother Asuka. Asuka didn't know _what_ the older woman intended, so she decided to play it safe and evacuate the premises.

Something behind her eyes still hurt when she left the apartment.

She didn't have a real plan for where to go; she figured she was just going to wander around the city for a while. By the time she stepped out into the waning morning mist and let the front door of the building swing shut behind her though, she realized that she did have at least one idea. It was obvious, really – she would go to NERV and determine the status of her Eva.

She was curious how far along the repairs were by now. Recreating lost limbs was one of the more difficult processes in Evangelion maintenance, but the tech crew had had two weeks to work with, and keeping units in operational condition was a high priority. This was especially critical since Unit 01 seemed to be out of action for the foreseeable future.

She dreamed of her Evangelion occasionally. It had started out as simple fantasies: the first time Unit 02 had appeared in her dreams was the same day that she first saw its finished design. She'd battled and defeated an Angel on her own that night – a fairly innocuous cupid-like thing with a bow and arrow, if she remembered correctly. From then on, it had appeared from time to time. Her dreams shifted and transformed so she ended up in the pilot's seat, or people she was talking to were suddenly replaced by hulking giants in red armor. Sometimes, it was she herself that turned into an Evangelion. She didn't like that very much.

Every once in a while, she found herself waking up with indistinct impressions of floating comfortably in her bloody entry plug. She never really remembered those times, but she never associated these bits of memory with the excitement and glee she felt when she was in the cockpit for real, but with a bizarre sense of contentment and serenity. It was rare that dreams gave her that. Most of the time, they only reminded her of the hospital bed that was too high for her, the doll that looked like her that she hated more than anything, and rejection, and the rope...

Asuka sighed. She had been trying not to think about it. It was the same thing, every time she had a nightmare.

She was glad it was so early that there were no people around. She didn't want to come across anyone at the moment. There seemed to be no way that she didn't look as bad as she felt.

It wasn't just the fact that she hadn't washed up properly, though she imagined that her hair _did_ look stringy and tangled and unimpressive. It wasn't just the fact that it was an inexplicable effort to even hold her head up high, or that she felt so lead-footed and clumsy. No, she didn't think she would be able to hide her feelings, and she worried what someone would see if they looked her in the face. She couldn't manage a smile or a scowl, couldn't keep up appearances at all. She wasn't herself at the moment.

She turned the final corner before the tunnel station before she realized what was going on. She'd habitually taken the same route that she usually took to get to work, but she couldn't get to the Geofront that way right now. That traincar line was still disabled. She had completely forgotten.

Asuka bent forward, slowly exhaled through gritted teeth, but found her anger just wasn't subsiding. It was more anger than she knew what to do with. But she had no one to blame but herself, did she?How could she have been so stupid and scatter-brained? Blood was rushing to her face, even though there was no one around to witness her blunder. She whirled around with a growl, and punched the wall beside her. It hurt quite a bit, but she didn't dwell on it.

She headed for the station she had used the previous day, walking much more briskly now. Even so, it took her a long while to get to headquarters. There were a lot of empty streets and a lot of the Geofront's empty corridors in her way, and her mood grew darker by every moment she spent mulling things over on her lonesome. She couldn't get the dreams out of her mind.

By the time the Evangelion cages were drawing near, she was starting to get anxious.

She didn't want to think her Eva was important to her per se – it was just a tool, after all, with her being the important one – but she could admit to herself that she could take some comfort in looking at it, and the responsibility and faith that it represented. She didn't care what United Nations documents said about its ownership, Unit 02 was _hers_. Even though they had failed each other in the last battle, it would be good to see it again. She was certain seeing her Evangelion reborn would make her feel better about things.

But her Evangelion wasn't reborn.

"What the hell is this?"

She found Unit 02 in cryostorage – exactly as broken and pathetic as when she had last seen it. It was still headless, still missing its arms. Most of its upper body was wrapped in unclean bandages covered in splotches of purple blood. It didn't look like the repairs had even started.

They'd just left it there to rust and rot while they dealt with more important things.

"_What the hell is this?"_

She was aware of how screechy and weak her voice sounded. She had meant to sound righteous and powerful.

Asuka looked around for someone – anyone – to confront about this outrage, eventually breaking into a run. She hounded back and forth through the cages until she finally came across someone, one of the early shift technicians. It wasn't anyone she recognized, nobody important. She backed him against a wall.

"Why has my Eva not been repaired yet?"

The tech just stared at her dully. Asuka realized that she had spoken in German, not Japanese.

"Why has my Eva not been repaired yet?" she repeated in the proper language, "Answer me!"

"Ah... Well, it just hasn't appeared on the task roster. We've had to deal with the damage from the attack, and there's still the situation with Unit 01."

She couldn't believe this. She just couldn't believe this.

"What about Unit 00?" she asked, "Has _it_ been repaired?"

She didn't think she would have been able to stand it if Rei's Eva had been fixed up but not hers, but the technician shook his head.

"But that means we don't have any working Evangelions! That's inane! What if an Angel attacked tomorrow? We'd be defenseless!"

"I- That's the business of the tactics division. I don't know anything about that."

"Hmh! This must be some sort of misunderstanding. We've always tried to fix the Evangelions before anything else. They're the highest priority! Is Doctor Akagi aware of this?"

"These directions come from Commander Ikari and Doctor Akagi themselves."

"But- that's ridiculous!" burst out Asuka helplessly, "It's ridiculous! I'm telling you, fix my Eva _now_!"

The technician shrugged vaguely and looked away from her.

"There's nothing I can do," he said, "You'll have to speak to Commander Ikari if you have a problem."

Asuka growled. "Don't talk to me that way!"

She took a step forward, and the technician's head snapped back towards her. He retreated. It gave Asuka a bit of satisfaction to see a much bigger man cowering before her. She glowered at him, and he looked back at her in bewilderment.

"That's exactly what I'll do!" she said, "I'll take this right to the Commander!"

* * *

Notes:

- I am not displeased with this chapter, but the massive imbalance of action and introspection in it did send up some red flags for me. You'll notice this chapter is really just Asuka thinking for the most part, and moving from one location to another and doing some minor stuff. Because it's all so internal, the bit of dialogue with an external figure at the end feels a bit jarring to me. I originally planned chapter 10 to end with a conversation with a neighbor of Kaji's, but cut the scene because of the same exact consideration. Here, I needed it to advance the plot though. Just an observation.

- This is one of my small nitpicks with Evangelion: Ritsuko only makes the call to repair Eva-00 ahead of Eva-02 in episode 22, whereas it really seems like this should have been dealt with much earlier.

- On a similar technical note, I am actually not at all sure how travel to and from the Geofront is supposed to take place. It looks like the entire area below Tokyo-3 is hollow space, and the surface is connected to the NERV facility by lines of what I call "traincars" here - but episode 11 showed characters moving around between ground level and the complex on foot and by car. So how does that work? I suspect I haven't looked into this in enough detail.

Next chapter: **Sub-Commander**.


	13. Sub Commander

Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion.

* * *

THE SIXTEENTH DAY

Sub-Commander

Was there even a point in knocking on the Commander's door? His office was so big and cavernous that it was rather dubious whether he would hear anything. It would probably take minutes just for the echo to reach him...

But it wasn't as if Asuka could just wantonly step inside either.

She took a step back from the door and looked around uncertainly one more time. There was a desk in the small entrance hall before the office, and a computer, and a phone and a buzzer. It seemed like there should have been someone there to forward her inside, but Asuka had never a secretary or receptionist there. Then again, it wasn't as if she was overly familiar with the place. She hadn't been there often since her arrival in Japan a few months earlier, when she had come to report for duty. Her excitement had been tempered with a fair bit of nervousness when she'd taken her first tentative steps into the Commander's vast, awesome and completely impractical personal office. She'd felt a little silly for it – the room was obviously calculated to have exactly this effect – but couldn't help it anyway. Gendo Ikari's reputation reached around the world multiple times over; Asuka heard whispers about him even back in Germany. He'd more than lived up to what people said about him.

She decided to knock. And if no one answered, then – screw it – she would just take a look inside.

The door opened just as she was raising her hand. Asuka was startled for a moment, before she realized that it was only Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki. The old man looked surprised to see her, but quickly shifted to his usual stern manner.

"Can I help you, Miss Sohryu?"

Asuka took a deep breath and put on her game face.

"Maybe you can, sir! I'm here to see Commander Ikari about a _very_ important matter. Is he in?"

"Hmh. He is not."

He closed the door as he spoke, and Asuka could have sworn he intentionally positioned himself so she couldn't see inside. She immediately suspected that Ikari was inside after all, and they were covering it up so they wouldn't have to deal with her.

"Well, where is he?" she asked, "He wasn't here yesterday either!"

Asuka had waited for the man for hours on the previous morning, but he never showed up. Eventually, she'd given up and finally headed to school (a good three hours late, and without her bag or any of her school-things with her), but not before resolving to try again as many times as it took to finally get him.

"I'm sure it's none of our business where the Commander spends his free time."

"His free time?" grumbled Asuka, "He hasn't been to his office in two days! Doesn't he have work to do?"

"Of course he does. Commander Ikari is a very busy man. He is equal parts diplomat, businessman and general, and carries a great weight of responsibility on his shoulders. With these responsibilities comes the privilege to make his own hours."

Asuka scowled. "Well, then when can I see him? Can I make an appointment?"

"He does not have appointments as such."

"Well, what about you then, Sub-Commander? Are you free?"

"I... have a few minutes to spare."

Asuka smiled. Fuyutsuki eyed her uncertainly. He seemed to regret agreeing even to that much.

Fuyutsuki's office was directly adjacent to Ikari's, which was no great surprise, considering that they were practically joined at the hip. It was, however, a much homelier place. Although still cold steel like everything else in the Geofront, it was relatively modest in size, and had personal items to give it some warmth. Asuka couldn't help but look around in curiosity after being led inside.

There were books there, crammed into a small shelf on one side of the room – not just ledgers of accounts for NERV and the like, but volumes of scientific papers and novels. The Sub-Commander seemed to have a fairly eclectic taste, with everything from Edgar Allan Poe to Arthur C. Clarke being represented among his collection. Asuka rolled her eyes when she glimpsed Milton's _Paradise Lost_. The top of the shelf was covered with framed photographs that seemed to reach back decades. It was strange seeing him as a younger man; he'd apparently gone gray rather early. He was on every single photo, but always among groups of colleagues or friends. Fuyutsuki had apparently known a lot of people in his time. It was odd, Asuka would have thought he'd keep things like that at home.

But did it matter? Not really. Fuyutsuki was a bit of an enigma, but an irrelevant one. Asuka didn't care one bit about him aside from what he could do for her now, but she did wonder whether she should try to strike up a casual conversation with him. Perhaps he would be more amenable if she softened him up a bit with courtesies and smiles. Seeing Fuyutsuki take a seat and clearing his throat with a frown edged firmly on his face, however, made her disregard that notion. Just being straight would have to be enough.

"Sit down please," said the Sub-Commander, stiff in his armchair.

"Thank you, sir." She went on even before sitting down. "Sir, may I ask why my Evangelion hasn't been repaired yet?"

She could see the exact moment where Fuyutsuki lost all interest in her being there right on his face. But she wasn't going to let him blow her off, oh no.

"It's been over two weeks since the attack! I went to the cages yesterday, I thought the repairs would almost be finished, but the work hasn't even started yet!"

"Surely this is an issue you can discuss with Major Katsuragi?"

"Is it?" asked Asuka, quite loudly, "I'd rather ask someone more reliable."

Fuyutsuki sighed. "The Commander and the department heads have decided to prioritize work on the infrastructure. Even the command center is out of action, and there is much other work as well. Unit 00 and Unit 02 will be dealt with shortly. Is that a problem, Miss Sohryu?"

"A problem? But that just doesn't make sense! I mean, isn't repairing the Evas always the most important thing? The Third Child is out of action, and that stupid dummy plug system isn't working either, is it? That means Unit 01 is useless. We'd be completely defenseless if an Angel attacked – unless you repaired my Eva."

"We've taken all that into account," said Fuyutsuki.

She was at a loss about why he didn't simply understand her. He was just staring at her impassively, as if her words had no bearing on anything, as if she wasn't _right_.

"Then why are you doing something so tactically unsound? You have to repair it!"

Asuka drew back and forced herself to smile. She was getting hysterical, and this was not something she wanted. It only undermined her.

"That was the wrong choice of words, sir. I didn't mean to demand anything, really. But perhaps you could simply explain the logic behind your decision?"

There were so many things NERV didn't tell her.

Why not?

What possible reason could they have had to keep something like this secret from her? It could hardly be a matter of confidentiality; it wasn't as if she could blab it out to the Angels and create a security risk. This wasn't some damn whine for transparency by the UN Security Council, it was one of their own, one of their _pilots,_ asking a simple question.

"It... doesn't have anything to do with me, does it?"

Fuyutsuki had sunk back against his chair. He was looking at her as if he wasn't really seeing her. There was a drawn out moment of silence before he answered her, and it was no answer at all:

"It's blazing hot outside today, isn't it?"

Vapid small-talk. He was trying to distract her from the matter at hand. Asuka's opinion of the Sub-Commander sunk several notches. Saying it was hot outside in Japan was like saying the sky was blue or that the wind was windy.

"I'm sure that on days like these, you wish you were still back home."

Asuka's breath caught in her throat. Was that a threat?

"Sometimes, I find myself longing for Germany's snowfalls. The winters there are lovely, and certainly much more appropriate for Christmas-time."

"I suppose," said Asuka stiffly, "Well, it depends. Some small towns look like something from postcards, but big cities are just glitzy, and I hate how dirty the snow gets on the streets. I don't really care much about a white Christmas anyway. Sir."

She truly didn't. Before this moment, she wasn't even really aware that December had begun and Christmas was nearing. She had more important things to worry about, and the eternal summer had thrown her sense of time for a loop.

She waited for Fuyutsuki to continue, to tell her not to question things or they'd send her back right away and find someone to replace her, but he remained silent. Maybe he didn't think it needed to be said.

"You've been to Germany?" she quietly asked at last.

"I have. I've had occasion to visit all the major NERV facilities across the world, to check in on construction work, make plans future developments and to meet key staff members. I went to Berlin in 2004, and again a few years ago. I had been to Germany before, actually, but that was a long while earlier, before the Second Impact, and it wasn't quite so cold there then."

Asuka didn't know what to say to that. She frankly didn't give a shit about what Germany had been like in the olden days. She only wanted what was hers by right, she only wanted the respect she deserved, she only wanted her Eva. It was such a simple matter – why was it proving so difficult?

"Sir-"

"On my first official trip, I had the pleasure of meeting your mother."

Asuka froze. Fuyutsuki sighed and turned away from her. He gazed absently towards his bookshelf, and Asuka wondered whether her mama was on one of those photographs as well, wearing a labcoat and smiling. Perhaps her eyes had passed over her without her even realizing it.

The thought made her shudder.

"She was a brilliant woman," said the Sub-Commander, "NERV's science division is home only to the best and brightest, and she still shone brighter than her peers. She had much potential. And she was very dedicated to her job, oh yes. In fact, she was perhaps a little too brilliant, a little too dedicated."

Too dedicated. The words echoed in Asuka's mind. That was why she never came home.

Fuyutsuki's eyes veered back towards her.

"She also had a problem with the chain of command, you know. She was head-strong and argued with her colleagues. She was always convinced she knew better, even in areas outside of her expertise. An easy enough mistake to make when you're a genius, I suppose. But an organization of specialists like NERV relies on compartmentalization. Each of us has our duties to worry about. The command staff weighs all the options and considers all the variables, and don't presume to think you know everything. Our decisions are not up for your review. You are expected to do your duty, even when your duty is to wait. Do you understand that, Miss Sohryu?"

"Yes, sir," growled Asuka.

Her entrails were twisting and turning like snakes. It was by far not the first time someone had compared her to her mother, but it never got any easier. She hated, hated, hated it, no matter how complimentary people were being. It was only worse that Fuyutsuki had used her solely for the purpose of dismissing Asuka's opinion.

"It won't be long until Unit 02 – your Eva – is repaired," continued Fuyutsuki, his voice softer again, "I look forward to seeing you in action once more."

"Thank you sir," said Asuka unfeelingly.

"Go on then," said Fuyutsuki, "I have work to do, and this is all the time I have for you."

Asuka stood up. She wished she could forget all this nonsense, the whole damn conversation. She wished she had never come here. What had it given her? Nothing except evasions and platitudes.

They were holding her failure against her, she knew it. It was because of her synchro ration that they weren't repairing Eva-02. She wasn't good enough. They had no faith in her. She was sure of it.

Perhaps she could still speak to the Commander... But what would she say? That she would try to be better? Were begging and bargaining her only options?

As she was heading for the door, Fuyutsuki called out to her. Asuka looked back at him.

"Have you been having trouble sleeping?" he asked.

"Excuse me?"

Asuka instinctively glanced around for a reflective surface to check her face. It wasn't that obvious, was it? She couldn't look that bad, could she? When she couldn't find any mirrors, she turned back towards Fuyutsuki and pretended nothing had happened.

It was true though. She'd gone from sleeping too much right to sleeping very little. And she never stopped feeling tired.

"I suggest you see Doctor Akagi," said Fuyutsuki, "Your physical well-being is one of her chief concerns. She could even prescribe you sleep aids if you wish. There are certain drugs that have been determined to have no effect on piloting ability."

The sneer was quick on Asuka's lips. "Oh, I'd love to see Doctor Akagi. I'm just not sure she has _time_ for me."

She put quite a bit more venom into the words than she had intended. She escaped, slipped out of the room before the Sub-Commander could say anything.

* * *

Notes:

- Funny how things work out sometimes. I didn't really intend for this chapter to be so focused on Kyoko, but in hindsight, I really should have folded it into the previous one. The asymmetry annoys me a bit, but what's done is done. And this saves me from filling out an extra chapter.

- Just to make it clear, there's no big mystery about why the Evas aren't being repaired for Asuka to uncover. I just figure Gendo and Fuyutsuki know based on the Dead Sea Scrolls that it'll be a while until the next Angel and aren't bothering with it just yet, or something.

- I can't believe dashes aren't allowed in chapter titles.

Next chapter: You know, I haven't actually figured out what to call the next chapter yet. A shame, really.


	14. Friends

Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion.

* * *

THE SEVENTEENTH DAY

Friends

Asuka spent much of the lunch break away from her class, with a group of older girls she knew. She worked largely on autopilot when she was with them, not really paying attention to what they were saying, but still involved in the conversation. The things they discussed were so banal, and the expected responses so curt, pointless and generic, that a tape recorder would have done in her stead. She was free to shut off and think of other things for the most part.

Asuka had gone out of her way to befriend people a few years older than her so she wouldn't have to waste her time on the babies that made up most of her own class, but even they were boring and juvenile, not at all how she'd expected someone their age to be. One of them had a boyfriend who was moving away to the same town as a girl she didn't particularly like, and everyone was immersed in her worry over maintaining a long-distance relationship and the possibility of the other girl trying to steal her man. Someone asked Asuka if she had ever had a boyfriend, and she answered no. (She had never managed to bring herself to lie about Kaji to them.) They all looked smug at that, as if they thought she was too young to have a boyfriend. They'd asked her the same thing before, and she was genuinely not sure whether they kept forgetting or whether they were mocking her. She couldn't be bothered to explain again that she just hadn't met anyone good enough to be her boyfriend. And suddenly they were talking about something else entirely, a new book they all really liked that was ratcheting up literary prizes everywhere. Asuka hadn't read it herself; she had never even heard of it. The idea of her friends being more well-read than her made her vaguely uneasy, but then again, she was too busy to have time for reading, wasn't she?

Sometimes, she wondered why she bothered to hang out with her at all. They didn't seem to appreciate her friendship anyway. Certainly, they'd grilled her about NERV a bit at first, and every time an Angel attacked they would ask her about it, but matters like that were beyond their concern most of the time. It was always about them and their petty problems, and Asuka was only part of the scenery.

Before the end of the lunch break, Asuka disentangled herself from the group and stood up. She took next to nothing of the conversation with her. The girls perfectly chorused a "Bye!" when she left. Asuka almost felt sick as she faked a smile and waved them goodbye.

She got back to class 2-A early. It was still a few minutes until the start of the next lesson, so a lot of people were still out and about, including Hikari. Maybe she was still dealing with that upcoming school festival, or maybe it was something else. Maybe she didn't want to be around Asuka anymore.

On her way to her seat, Asuka's eyes happened to fall on Kensuke. He was still in the exact same position as when she'd left, lying behind his desk rested on his arms and staring at nothing. He probably hadn't even had lunch in the meanwhile.

It felt weird to see him like this. When she thought of Kensuke, Asuka pictured a hyperactive buzzard and an annoying smartass, the biggest geek in Japan, not such a sad sack. He'd gotten increasingly more withdrawn recently. Shinji was gone and Toji still hospitalized, and he had few other friends. He hadn't been to Misato's apartment again since his visit two weeks earlier, nor had he spoken to her at school even once. Asuka wondered whether he'd at least had the chance to visit Toji. She figured he had, since his father worked at NERV and all.

Remembering Kensuke's father sparked something in her mind. He often mentioned looking into his father's classified files to look for information about Evangelions and the Angel attacks. As suddenly as a lightning strike, Asuka had an idea – one she was already putting into action before she even realized what she was doing.

She circled around and strode towards Kensuke from behind, making her way towards the free desk nearest to him. When she reached him, she sat down and punched him in the ribs. Kensuke gasped in pain and whirled around to see who'd attacked him. He didn't look pleased to see her.

"What the hell did you do that for?"

"Maybe your moping was bringing me down? Listen, I have a question for you."

"A question? You can't just walk up to someone and hit them, woman!"

"Your father works at NERV, doesn't he?"

"You already know he does," he muttered with a scowl.

"Okay! Good. And you have access to his computer accounts, don't you?"

He drew back and regarded her uncertainly. "Well, yes, what about it?"

"I want you to look something up for me: my extended personnel file in the database."

"What? That doesn't even make sense. Can't you look up that stuff yourself? Or why don't you ask Miss Katsuragi?"

"I can only look up basic information. Pilots have limited clearance." She rolled her eyes at this injustice. "I know Misato wouldn't tell me anything. But key administrative workers like your father would have access to all the bits of data I need."

NERV must have kept a review of their pilots' performance. She had to know what they thought of her, if they were really ready to write her off...

Kensuke chewed his lip and thought about it. He wasn't exactly naturally inclined to do stuff for her, but Asuka could see that he was curious himself. He wanted to know what NERV had to say about its pilots. But now that she'd given him the idea, he could easily look into the matter himself, without involving her.

"All right," he said, "All right, I'll see what I can dig up."

Asuka smirked. "Oh, no. No way am I letting you do this unsupervised, twerp! I'll be standing over your shoulder the whole time."

"Wait, what? I can only do this at home. You're not-"

"I'll come over to your place if that's what it takes. I don't care."

He looked almost panicked at the prospect. But he didn't say no.

"What do I get for helping you anyway?" he asked.

"I'm sure there's _something_ I can do you for you," she said, and winked.

Kensuke was predictably flabbergasted at that, though he didn't exactly blush like a maid like Asuka had hoped either. It didn't take long for him to shudder self-consciously and make a face.

"Um, yeah. Maybe you can tell me some things about pilot training, or sneak a video camera into a synchronization test, or something. Ahem. And you should be damn grateful. I don't even know why I'm doing this after your assault. I bet that left a bruise too."

He grasped at his back where she had struck him and sighed theatrically.

"Are you a man or aren't you?" asked Asuka with a provocative cocked eyebrow, "I didn't even hit you that hard!"

"Well, I'm tender," muttered Kensuke. It sounded suspiciously like a joke.

After a moment of uncomfortable silence, Asuka stood up.

"Tomorrow afternoon, then."

Kensuke paused, adjusted his glasses, and nodded. "Okay. "

She returned to her own desk, and pointedly didn't glance over her shoulder at Kensuke. There was a tiny bit of curiosity in her about whether he was slumped down and staring at nothing again, or whether he was looking at her. The bell rang just as she sat down. For the next hour, she thought mostly of mathematics.

It had been over a month now since Asuka had done any real studying. 'Keeping up' with her classmates had never been much of a priority for her. When she'd started out school in Tokyo-3, she'd diligently done her homework, mostly to revel in how easy it was and how much she already knew, but that diligence had first been slowly whittled away by laziness and then wiped out entirely by much bigger concerns. It was all too easy to hold her interest, and now she didn't care anymore. She'd only come there in the first place improve her Japanese and to take in what new morsels of knowledge she could find, not to retread materials she'd already learned four or five years ago.

And now she realized that it wasn't as easy as it should have been. There were things that confused her, parts that she didn't follow. She had skipped entire grades, and had rushed through a lot of her curriculum. None of it _should_ have been a problem, but now she was starting to forget from lack of practice. That worried her, but not as much as it should have. It was so hard to make herself care. She forced herself to pay attention to everything today, but still her mind wandered.

As soon as the class was over, Asuka set her sights on Hikari and kept them there during the end of class ritual. She was worried she might leave again, but that didn't seem to be the case. Hikari sat right back down, tore out a page from one of her notebooks and started writing something in it. Asuka joined her, sitting down in the empty chair in front of her.

"Hey!"

"Hey."

She leaned in as close as possible, but even with Asuka staring at her forehead, Hikari didn't think to look up. Asuka glanced down at the paper. She seemed to be writing a shopping list.

"What are you doing?" Asuka asked.

"Hmm? I'm writing down some things I need to get from the shop later."

"You know, you should really have your sisters help you with things like that. You do practically everything in your household, don't you?"

"I don't mind," replied Hikari, "And besides, I might always think of something else when I get to the shop. It's best to do it yourself."

"I should probably do some shopping myself," said Asuka thoughtfully, "It's been a few days."

Actually, Misato had bought some things the previous day, but Asuka had the stubborn notion not to touch any of it.

"That's nice," said Hikari.

They sat in silence for a minute or two.

"So..." started Asuka, "What are you making for Toji today?"

"I'm not sure yet. I asked him what he likes, but he said he's not picky. He said the hospital food is pretty bad, so any change is good."

"Huh. Sounds like Toji alright. Didn't think for a moment how you would feel, did he?"

"I don't mind."

And all the while, she kept writing. Asuka felt anger twist her stomach. Couldn't Hikari have done this at some other time, when someone wasn't trying to talk to her?

She leaned back from the other girl.

"That's pretty pathetic, you know."

She made sure to sound as off-handed as she could, peering at her from the corner of her eye.

"Visiting him day after day and bringing him food and all these little gifts, I mean. I bet you're coming across as way too overbearing and desperate. A woman shouldn't offer herself on a platter like that."

Hikari hesitated, and finally looked up from her list. There was a slight crease in her brow.

"Asuka, that's not pathetic at all. This isn't about me, or... _us_. I don't care what impression I'm leaving, I just want to do what I can to make him feel better."

Asuka scoffed without meaning to. She didn't believe for a second that Hikari went to the NERV hospital and spent all this time with Toji without ever thinking about the fact that she was in love with him. But the crease in Hikari's brow was a little steeper now, and Asuka didn't want to take it any further.

"How's he doing anyway?" she asked, maintaining an air of indifference.

Hikari looked down again, but didn't return to writing.

"I'm not really sure. He's been very quiet, but that might be because it's me. I mean, we don't know each other all that well, so he might just feel awkward? But I think he's a little better since last week, a little more cheerful. I hope."

Asuka remained silent and waited for her to continue.

"He's been very kind."

There was another pause.

"He would be very lonely without me, I think. None of his friends can really visit him. These NERV security regulations are so silly, aren't they? I don't understand why a hospital has to be protected like that. Even Toji's father doesn't drop by very often. You haven't visited him at all either, have you?"

Asuka raised an eyebrow. She'd never even considered doing that – and why should she? Toji most likely missed her just as much as she missed him.

She wished they could talk about something else.

"Why, does he _want_ me to visit him?" she asked.

"Well, he hasn't mentioned you. But I'm sure he'd like to see another familiar face. You should go, Asuka. He is your friend."

Asuka, taken aback, wondered what she could possibly say to that. Did Hikari honestly believe herself? Toji and Asuka weren't even really part of the same social circle, they were only people who happened to meet from time to time because they both hung around Shinji. When they spoke to each other at all, they mostly communicated by jibes and insults. She had slapped him more than any other boy in Tokyo-3. He was too insignificant to be called an enemy, but she wasn't sure he felt the same way about her. They definitely weren't friends.

But then again, Asuka realized, he had been a pilot. She had no idea how it happened that a dumb jock like him had been selected for it, but for a few hours, he'd been a pilot, with his own Evangelion. Not merely an acquaintance, but a colleague. Thinking of him as a brother in arms was too weird... That was probably why she hadn't thought of it until then.

While she was mulling the matter over, Hikari got back to her shopping list. She didn't even notice Asuka glaring at her accusingly once she realized that. The bell rung while she was still trying to think up something else to talk about.

The last class of the day was English. This, at least, was still laughably easy for her. She'd heard it spoken since she was a child and she'd been to Britain and the United States both; she hardly even had an accent. English lessons would have been dreadfully boring for her, but it was usually amusing to listen to her classmates and their attempts at speaking it. Today, however, it didn't do much to entertain her. Hikari was still on her mind.

She was starting to think that she shouldn't have called her pathetic. She still didn't think she was wrong, but 'pathetic' was such a heavy word. Hikari wasn't angry – that wasn't her style. Asuka didn't even need to look over to her to know that she was carefully taking notes as usual, unconcerned with her. Still, Asuka wished she could make her forget about it somehow. She wanted to talk to her again, and to keep talking until she drowned out her memory of their previous conversation.

When the class finally ended and Asuka could start packing up her things, Hikari was faster than her. She was out of the door in seconds. Asuka rushed to follow and caught up with her before the school gates.

"Hey, wait up!"

Hikari looked back at her and frowned.

"Asuka, what are you doing?"

The tone in her voice made Asuka stop in her tracks.

"I figured I'd walk you to the station," she said, smiling.

"But you can't. You're on clean-up duty today."

"What?"

"Classroom clean-up duty," repeated Hikari patiently, "It's your turn. You weren't here the last two times your name came up, you can't just skip it again."

Asuka could only stare at her. Hikari looked stern, but shifted awkwardly on her feet as the seconds dragged on. How could she blow off her _friend_ because of some stupid chores? And how could such a little thing sting so hard? The worst thing about it was that Hikari didn't do it because she was angry or because of anything Asuka had said – she did it because she was class representative.

"Well," Hikari said with a nervous smile, "see you tomorrow, all right?"

She turned around. She walked away. She left Asuka alone.

* * *

Notes:

- I am not at all pleased with character voices in this chapter.

- The reason I had a problem coming up with a title for this chapter was because I didn't really think there was a consistent theme to it. I still don't, really. It's just a couple of rather disparate scenes.

Next chapter: **Aces**.


End file.
